Lucy has a date with Barry from Bumble.
(If you missed it, catch up on the story here).
Barry is handsome and clever, and the pre-date text banter has been so hilariously brilliant that Lucy’s practically in love with the man already. In spite of the fact that they’ve yet to meet and he has an epically shite first name.
Barry has told her he’s 5’4 but will wear Cuban heels. Lucy is hoping this is a joke. If it turns out not to be a joke, one of Lucy’s already-dead grandparents will be suddenly resurrected, complete with a life-threatening illness that will require Lucy’s immediate and urgent attention. Sorry Barry, I’ve got to go. Family emergency. Don’t worry Granny, I won’t keep you up for long.
The unfortunately-named Barry is waiting by the bar when Lucy walks in. And everything is immediately ok. Because Barry is FIT: slim and handsome, dressed well in grey trousers and a tailored checked shirt, and most importantly… a good 6’1 tall. He gives her a cheeky smile and an enthusiastic kiss on both cheeks, and after all that texting it’s as if they know each other already.
“I nearly didn’t recognise you there,” Lucy grins. “I was looking for someone who’s 5 foot 4. Though I must admit I’m happy to see that you’re not.”
“Well I woz looking for a gel with a grea’ arse,” Barry retorts. “Yer’d be’er turn rand and lemme check to be sure yer the righ’ person.”
Oh fuck, thinks Lucy.
Barry has a proper West London geezer accent. The kind that includes phrases like ‘innit’, ‘you was’ and ‘that thing wot I done’ without any hint of irony.
Can Lucy really date a man who says ‘you was’ instead of ‘you were’? Short answer: probably not. But come on, she thinks, give the man a chance. He can be taught.
In their earlier text chat, Barry expressed a keen interest in the quality of Lucy’s bum. As a result, she’s deliberately chosen a jersey dress that hugs in all the right places, but she’s not about to give him the satisfaction of checking out the goods just yet. So she turns and leans back on the bar, hiding it from view.
“Now yer stickin’ yer tits out,” says Barry. “Tha’ works too.”
“Fuck,” says Lucy.
Barry gets a round in and they spot a nearby empty table.
“Afta you,” he says with a wink.
“I’m not falling for that one,” replies Lucy, and walks backwards from the bar to the table. No butt ogling for Barry just yet. Even though she likes that he wants to.
In spite of the dreadful accent, Barry is great fun and there is definite chemistry here. He tells her he recently joined Bumble after a stint on Plenty of Fish.
“It were all sex talk on there,” he reveals. “All these women kept sextin’ me.”
“Women do that?” says Lucy, surprised. “I thought that was a guy thing. I don’t know any women who would do sexting with a guy they’ve never met.”
“Maybe they do, they’re just not tellin’ ya,” says Barry.
Good point, thinks Lucy, and makes a mental note to ask her girlfriends.
Barry takes a swig of his beer. He really is very handsome, with seriously blue eyes and great hair for a 45-year-old. That hair ain’t going anywhere, she thinks. I could marry him, safe in the knowledge that he definitely won’t be going bald any time soon.
You don’t have such assurances with guys in their early 30s. It’s a minefield.
Barry continues his Plenty of Fish story. “There were this one gel who asked me if I were gonna send her a dick pic. I jokingly said I’d show her mine if she showed me hers first. So she did. Proper sent me a full-on photo of her bits. I were pretty shocked. Really didn’t think she were actually gonna do that. So I quit and joined Bumble instead. I’m told there’s a be’er class of lady on there.”
“And is there?”
“Yer my first Bumble date, so obviously it’s far too soon to say. Let’s see what yer like after a few drinks,” Barry grins, and gives Lucy’s knee a squeeze.
Lucy pretends to be outraged, but the knee squeeze is a bit thrilling.
One drink in, and the chemistry is palpable. Lucy gets up to go to the bar and Barry gives her a cheeky eyebrow raise.
Shit, she thinks. He’s going to check out my bum.
But the toilet is quite far away, and Lucy can’t keep walking backwards for ever. So she walks forward, trying to make her rear view appear peachy and pert by clenching her butt cheeks and walking with a sexy little wiggle.
But it’s highly likely she actually looks like she’s busting for a wee and has a stone in her shoe.
The dating chat continues when she returns with round two.
“To be fair,” she says, “I’ve had some pretty rubbish texts from guys on Bumble too.”
“Well there was one guy who had a photo of a child in his profile. When I asked him if it was his kid, he replied: “No I’ve never got anyone pregnant, I always make sure I pull out and cum all over the tits instead.”
Lucy, who is quite an expressive speaker, makes the appropriate hand gestures to illustrate the story.
Then she realises she’s just acted out ‘cumming on someone’s tits’ in the middle of a crowded pub in front of a man she’s known for all of about an hour.
But it seems to be that kind of date and Barry is delighted.
They carry on drinking till the pub closes. Lucy is a little tipsy. It’s cold outside, so she puts her hands in her coat pockets.
“Don’t do that!” complains Barry. “How’m I supposed to hold your hand?”
Cute, thinks Lucy, and offers him one. Does this mean I’m going to get a snog? Lucy rarely kisses internet boys on the first date, but with chemistry like this she’s prepared to make an exception.
They walk hand-in-hand to the nearest bus stop.
There are a couple of people waiting for the bus. Barry ushers Lucy round the back of the shelter and pushes her up against the wall. Then leans in and rests his forehead against hers.
This is Lucy’s favourite moment. The anticipation just before a first kiss. Her tummy and lady parts feel all squiggly. Go on then, Barry, but for fuck’s sake don’t cock it up.
He doesn’t cock it up. It’s a grade A snog. Top marks, Barry, even if you do have a stupid name.
There’s a decent dose of proper blush-worthy snogging behind the bus stop, and then Barry starts trying to cop a feel up under the back of her skirt.
“Steady on,” says Lucy, “We’re in public. Don’t really want you flashing my knickers to half of Shepherds Bush.”
He grabs her by the hand and drags her down a side street where he can get grabby without risking arrest for indecent behaviour in a public place.
The snogging continues, more enthusiastically now they are out of sight, and Barry resumes his attempts to explore inside Lucy’s knickers. Which is a challenge because she is wearing tights.
Lucy is pushed up against a wall, and her dress is rucked up at the back. Barry is trying to get a hand up under her skirt, over the waistband of her tights, and down into her knickers at the back so he can squeeze the bare skin of her left buttock.
It’s all a bit twisty and complicated but you’ve got to admire the man’s determination.
Lucy can tell he’s determined because he’s also started biting her bottom lip in that way that people sometimes do when they’re concentrating really hard. Except he’s chewing Lucy’s lip, not his own. It’s not entirely pleasant. She’d tell him to stop but it’s hard to speak when someone is munching on your face.
She pulls away and tries to encourage him to be a little more gentle. The result is much better. When he keeps his teeth to himself he really is a very good kisser.
The steamy snog carries on and Barry manages to get his hand over the tights, and inside the knickers, where he starts squeezing her left buttock as though it’s a stress ball. Lucy’s aware that anyone coming down the side street will have a pretty good view of her bare thigh and bum. As she’s a (mostly) nice young lady, and this is only the first date, she decides this is inappropriate. It’s time to extricate herself.
“Come on then, the bus will be here soon.” Gotta keep him wanting more, she thinks.
Barry looks a little put out, but doesn’t complain as they walk hand-in-hand back to the bus stop, where the bus is just pulling in.
“How bou’ a second date then?” he asks.
Lucy would definitely like some more snog action. Preferably without the teeth though. So she agrees.
There’s one final enthusiastic kiss, then Lucy hops on the bus and sits down as Barry saunters off.
The bus doesn’t move.
WTF? Lucy glares at the driver. What’s this prick doing?
But he’s gesturing at her.
In her drunken and felt-up state Lucy has entirely forgotten to pay the man. Aware that everyone has seen her snogging, she sheepishly gets up to swipe her card. SO awkward.
Guess that’s what getting groped does to a girl.
(To find out what happened next, click here)