Lucy goes on a date with Vincent, a commodities trader in the City. Lucy already knows from his profile that he’s a handsome guy, but in a startling break from the usual in-the-flesh disappointment, Vincent’s photos actually don’t do him justice. In real life he is possibly the best-looking man Lucy has ever been out with. Uh-oh, she thinks, if he’s this attractive and still single, it probably spells trouble…
It’s not long before the first signs appear.
Lucy asks about Vincent’s family. He has a brother who lives in America, but he doesn’t get on with his brother’s wife.
“Why not?” Lucy asks.
Vincent says it’s because the sister-in-law is a bit ‘new age’.
Lucy asks if this means she’s into homeopathy or feng shui.
“Oh no,” explains Vincent. “It’s just that she doesn’t believe in hitting her kids.”
Lucy’s dream of making stunningly attractive babies with this man flies out the window.
Vincent tells Lucy he doesn’t use Facebook. “I don’t see the point,” he says. “If you need to share something with your friends, just do it on WhatsApp. My friends use it to send me stuff all the time.”
“Oh? Like what?”
“Mostly porn videos.”
Lucy remarks that perhaps Vincent should get some new friends.
“Oh no, it’s funny,” he replies. “The other day one sent me a video of someone shagging a dead person.”
Lucy is not sure necrophilia porn is a good topic for a first date. She scans the room for the nearest emergency exit. “Don’t worry,” Vincent says, “all guys do this. If you don’t know this, you clearly don’t understand men.”
Lucy realises she is going to die alone.
(But wait, there’s more. To find out what happened next, click here.)