Lucy is midway through her first hookup with her new FWB, Adam, also known as Mr Monday. If you missed it, you might want to catch up here before continuing.
Lucy hadn’t seen Adam in almost a year, so she was pretty fucking nervous about the whole thing. To agree to invite a guy over for sex when you barely know him and haven’t seen him in a bloody long time is risky and terrifying to say the least. But after some initial awkwardness, everything turned out to be just fine, and they soon got down to business with mutual enthusiasm.
Except for one small issue, which is that Adam appears to be suffering from a touch of stage fright. As much as her date himself seems keen, Adam Junior is rather more shy, and doesn’t seem to want to come out of his shell. Clearly he’s going to need a little gentle encouragement, and as far as Lucy knows there is really only one way to do that.
So since Adam has already been so generous with his mouth, it’s time to return the favour. It’s hardly a chore anyway – he’s got lovely skin: smooth, lightly tanned, with not too much hair, so covering it with kisses is not exactly an issue for our girl. Especially after the best part of a bottle of wine, which is always guaranteed to boost her confidence.
Lucy enjoys working her way down to the business area – where, finally, he starts to respond. And – Good Lord – he’s a grower! While mini Adam, asleep, seemed like he might just be kind of average – a six out of ten at best – now that he’s woken up Lucy discovers to her delight that he’s very far from being average indeed. Generously proportioned, with the same smooth skin and light sprinkling of hair, but not too terrifyingly big. Now she understands where Adam gets his confidence from – this is a man who’s definitely been on the receiving end of a fair few compliments, that’s for sure. No need for insecurities here. He’s a lucky man – which, at this precise moment in time, makes Lucy feel like a lucky girl.
Lucy’s also pleased to note that Adam has taken the trouble to trim. Doing so may not have cost him £50 like it did for her, but at least she wasn’t the only one who engaged in some personal grooming before the date.
She wonders if next time she might be able to persuade him to extend his efforts to the beard too.
Pretty soon Adam’s ready for action and keen to get on with the main event – as is Lucy. After several months of no action it’s a fucking relief to finally feel a hard-bodied man on top of her. In fact she can’t get enough of him and wraps her legs round him and pulls him as hard and as close as possible – and like this it doesn’t take him long to finish. Too quick, as far as Lucy’s concerned – she definitely hasn’t had enough. But it’s ok, she thinks, he’s staying the night, just need to give him a little break and feed him to get his energy back up and then maybe we can go again.
Adam gives her a squeeze. “Wow,” he grins, “You’ve got a fantastic little body,” and her post-sex haze Lucy thrills at the compliment. Especially coming from a man who has the peachiest bum she’s ever seen in her life, with perfectly pert buttocks like two freshly-baked buns on a baking tray.
They order food from a local Thai restaurant via the Deliveroo app. While they wait for it to arrive, Lucy and Adam lie in bed and cuddle.
“This is lovely,” he says. “This is what I miss most about being single – the cuddles and the intimacy with someone.”
He’s such a sweetie, Lucy thinks. And with such a perfect body! What the fuck is wrong with me? Why don’t I feel more for this guy?
She wonders if she should get her head read. Here is a sweet guy, who’s into her (or used to be, at least), and she isn’t jumping at the chance. Clearly there is something wrong with her. She’s definitely going to die alone, and she won’t even have cats to eat her face because she doesn’t see the point of pets.
Or maybe she won’t. Maybe now they’ve started sleeping together she’ll do that girl thing of developing feelings for him. After all, she’s already regretting the time she’s wasted over the last year, faffing around with Tinder and Bumble and getting dicked about by idiots like Peter and Amir when all this time there was Adam with his perfect body just sitting on the sidelines. What a stupid twat she’s been! She could have had this man in her bed so much sooner – if only she’d known, and if only she hadn’t been distracted by other guys. What a fucking idiot. At this rate she deserves to be bloody single.
It gets to 10 pm and their meal still hasn’t arrived. After an hour of repeatedly checking the app for updates Lucy eventually calls the restaurant, to be told the delivery guy never turned up and they had to throw the food away as it got cold. By this point Lucy is fucking starving and can’t be arsed to start all over again with a new order – she’s just going to have to drag her rusty domestic goddess skills out from under the bed and rustle something up from whatever she has in the house. Which is somewhat tricky because as a glamorous city girl-about-town who is rarely home and doesn’t cook, the contents of Lucy’s fridge typically only consist of milk, apples, cheese, wine, and a few half-used jars of this and that with blue mould growing on the top of them.
She opens a cupboard and stares blankly at the rows of herbs and spices, most of which went out of date in 2009. But then she remembers she has pasta, and pesto, plus peas and prawns in the freezer – all the main food groups! In no time at all she’s rustled up a basic but edible dinner, and feels extremely proud of herself that she was able to do so with zero warning. Hopefully Adam will have noticed that not only is she a goddess in the bedroom, but she’s also pretty handy in the kitchen. She awards herself a gold star.
But rather than going into raptures at her culinary effort, Adam pokes at it with his fork and doesn’t eat much. WTF? It’s perfectly fine! What’s wrong with the man?!
“Not hungry?” she asks, pointedly.
“Yeah, I think I’m past the hunger stage now,” he says. “It’s too late.”
Lucy, who is always hungry, has no idea what he’s talking about.
“I’m also not feeling too well. I think I might be coming down with man flu. Maybe I should go to bed.”
Lucy, who was hoping for dessert of the X-rated variety, is disappointed. She digs in her bathroom cupboard for cold and flu medicine, and after throwing away a couple of packets that expired in 2012, manages to find some cough syrup that is still in date. As she feeds it to him, she notices that that’s a third role she’s notched up in one evening: plaything, chef, and now nurse. She hopes Adam is paying attention and isn’t too busy feeling sorry for himself. She also hopes that the cough medicine she’s found will have some kind of immediate effect and that he’ll soon get a second wind. After all, she needs him back up to speed – she’s definitely not done with him yet.
But Adam shows no signs of a miraculous recovery. He crawls into the spare room bed (“don’t want to keep you awake with my coughing”) and closes his eyes. A disappointed Lucy climbs in next to him for a cuddle.
“I’m sorry,” says Adam, “I’m just feeling really tired.” He kisses her.
“That’s ok,” says Lucy, even though it isn’t really. “We can just have morning sex instead.” Lucy’s a big fan of morning sex.
“So you can sleep here, but feel free to come and join me in the morning,” she adds, hopefully, nuzzling his neck.
“Yeah I’ll climb into bed with you and wake you with a kiss.”
This conversation has just got all suggestive and interesting. Could Adam be perking up a little? Lucy wonders if, with a little encouragement, he might soon be persuaded to feel better.
“I’ll be all warm and sleepy,” she whispers in what she hopes is a sexy voice. “But I’ll soon wake up when you start kissing me all over, and especially when you just slip inside…”
And as if she’s said the magic words, or rubbed the (ahem) lamp, suddenly the genie is out of the bottle again and ready to grant Lucy’s wish.
This time he’s not standing on ceremony. He reaches for a condom, sits himself up against the headboard, pulls her down onto him, and fucks her hard – much harder than last time, with more confidence and more determination. Suddenly Adam is all about being in charge – and Lucy likes a man who takes what he wants, who makes her feel desired and needed. It helps to squash all the insecurities she carries around about not being sexy enough or attractive enough.
Lucy, sitting astride him, concentrates on sucking her stomach in and hopes that now that her boobs are on his eye level he won’t finally notice how small and stupidly far apart they are.
But after a lengthy period of vigorous pumping she eventually starts to feel a little chafed and internally bruised. How to tell him though? She doesn’t think ‘Can you hurry up please, I’m getting bored now’ is quite sensitive enough. But sometimes she does find it hard to say what she’s thinking without offending someone, and this is a particularly sensitive moment. After all, she doesn’t want to be the girl that crushes Adam’s lovely confidence.
In the end she settles for a breathy ‘I want to hear you come’ in as low and sexy a tone as she can muster. Nicely put, she thinks. Encouraging without criticising.
“But what about you?” he asks. How nice that he cares.
“Not going to happen, not like this,” she reveals.
Lucy, you see, is one of those unfortunate women who has never – no, not once – managed to reach the holy grail the way they do in the movies. Not for her the gasping and writhing like a Hollywood starlet while some muscular hunk pounds her against a wall (and yes, of course that’s the only difference between her and a Hollywood starlet). No, while Lucy still enjoys the experience, and puts on a good show of doing so, the frustrating truth is that in her life, she has always had to take her turn either before or afterwards.
Adam is astounded. This appears to be the first time anyone has told him that there are actually some women out there in the world for whom a good headboard banging isn’t the magic solution.
If his mouth wasn’t otherwise occupied, Lucy’s pretty sure his jaw would have hit the floor.
“It’s ok,” she reassures him. “You go ahead, it can be my turn afterwards.”
But after he’s finished, Adam appears to immediately lose interest – now he’s had his moment of glory all that second wind has left as quickly as it came. She tries to encourage him to use his fingers but he plays with her half heartedly, like an unwilling 8-year-old doing enforced piano practice, when what Lucy was hoping for was the skilled fingering of a concert pianist. Lucy concentrates very hard in the hope of making it work with the power of her mind alone, but he keeps going off piste and losing the rhythm – and eventually gives up entirely.
“You’d better do it yourself,” he tells her.
How bloody lazy! After she’s fucked him and cooked him dinner and nursed him, now she’s got to sort herself out? Lucy is not impressed. She deducts 20 points from Adam’s hitherto perfect score.
Still, needs must, and there appears to be no alternative now. Slightly embarrassed, since this is actually the first time she’s done this in front of anyone since The Ex a good three years ago, Lucy quickly gets the job done, and then snuggles into him for another cuddle. This part she does like, but Adam is already falling asleep, so a dissatisfied Lucy gets up and goes back to her own room. At least this way she’ll get a good night’s rest – in fact Lucy is convinced that should she ever actually find someone to settle down with, the secret to a happy relationship will be separate bedrooms (or even separate houses.)
In the morning she can hear Adam coughing loudly from across the hall – the apparently fictional man-flu has turned out to be genuine after all. Looks like that morning sex is definitely out of the question now.
FML, thinks Lucy.
She wonders if she should go and join him, but stays put for a while, hoping that perhaps he will come to her. But he doesn’t. Again, she’s annoyed, but patience has never been her strong point so eventually she gets up and climbs back into bed with him for an extremely chaste (and disappointing) cuddle.
It doesn’t last long. Adam needs to get up and drive all the way back to Southampton for his shift starting at lunchtime. Lucy makes one last attempt to impress him with her all-round amazingness by rustling up a quick breakfast of smoked salmon and scrambled eggs on an English muffin – after all, he is her house guest, and she was raised by her mum to be a good hostess. Though she’s pretty sure her mum didn’t envisage quite the levels of service Lucy’s just provided.
This time Adam eats the entire thing, making up for his lack of enthusiasm the previous night. Then he kisses her goodbye, and heads, off, looking pretty pleased with himself. Well he bloody ought to be. Two lots of sex, and she cooked him dinner and breakfast. Surely that’s worth a four-hour round trip from the south coast?
They make no plans to see each other again, but as Lucy is tidying up she discovers he’s left his leather wrist strap behind. Was this an accident? Or a deliberate ploy to see her again?
In spite of the evening’s disappointments, Lucy finds herself hoping it was the latter.
To find out what happened next, click here.