The Textlationship, Part 7 – Fallout

Lucy’s still in Kenya, where she’s rekindled her text romance with Ben, the charming lad from Wiltshire who slid into her Twitter DMs more than six months ago.  If you need a recap on all of that, start here, or find out what happened last week here.

Lucy and Ben have never met, but finally, after months of getting to know each other over text message, they’ve agreed to go on a date when she comes home in just three weeks.  Lucy’s nervous and excited.  Could Ben be The One?  Could the stars have finally aligned, the gods taken pity?  Could the search finally be over?

But just when everything finally seems to be moving in the right direction, Ben chucks in a curveball.  He’s got another date, with a girl from Bumble.

The thought of Ben going out with someone else makes Lucy more uncomfortable than sitting down on a still-warm toilet seat, but she can’t really object.  They can hardly be exclusive when they haven’t even met (much as part of Lucy might prefer it if they could).  So she wishes him well through gritted teeth, prays to all the gods that it goes badly, and then sits back and waits.

And waits.


She waits all day.  Ben went for an afternoon coffee, so realistically, even if the date wasn’t a total disaster, he should be messaging her with an update by, what, six pm?  So when she doesn’t hear from him by ten, she’s forced to check up.

He doesn’t reply.   All evening and all the next morning.  Complete. Radio. Silence.

After months of near constant texting, this is completely out of character.  Lucy feels like John Hurt, anxiety clawing at her stomach like an alien pregnancy.  There’s only one possible explanation.  Ok, fine, three.  One: he might have been in a terrible accident: been knocked down by a bus, fallen off a bridge, or maybe a brick fell on his head and he’s concussed and has no memory.  Two: maybe Bumble girl turned out to be a psychopath, and she spiked his drink, took him home and now has him tied to a bed in her basement like Kathy Bates in Misery.

Or three: maybe, the worst scenario of all. The date went really, really, really fucking well.

Just before midday, he finally responds.

Lucy knows exactly what this means.  When a man goes on an afternoon coffee date, and resurfaces at lunchtime the next day saying things ‘escalated’, there’s only one possible interpretation.  Banging.  Loads of banging. The urgent, desperate, needy, hungry kind.  Multiple times. With hands, and tongues, and sweat, and body parts everywhere.  The sort of passionate coupling that only happens when you meet someone whose chemistry meshes perfectly with yours, and your eyes lock, and there’s an instant jolt like you’ve been zapped with a defibrillator, and you have literally no choice but to rip each other’s clothes off that instant and start fucking as though your lives depend on it. Which, in a way, they do.

But what the actual fuck?! He said he didn’t fancy her?  He said he thought she was odd!  How did this happen?!

Lucy’s crushed.  She has no idea what to say.  But she’s not allowed to be upset: they’re not a couple, they’re basically total strangers, FFS!  All she can do is grit her teeth and continue the charade of being ‘just friends’.

Lucy feels sick.  This is now the second time he’s done this: got within spitting distance of meeting up, and then found someone else just a nanosecond before she could have her chance.  Last time she took it in her stride – she barely knew the guy after all.  But now?  This time, as they say, it’s personal.  They’ve been chatting for over six months, and have definitely become a ‘thing’.  Who the fuck is this other woman to displace her so easily?

A moment’s positivity: maybe it was just a one-off.  Maybe he didn’t really like her, he just needed to get laid, and there she was, right there for the taking.  And now he’s had his wicked way with her, he’ll get bored and move on.

But Lucy’s new-found optimism is swiftly shot down, crumpling to the floor like a pheasant at a country shoot.

Lucy’s trying to be nice about the situation.  After all, she can’t really blame him: if the roles had been reversed, she’d probably have gone on the date too.  Because FOMO.

And she wants to be happy for Ben, she really does.  He’s a decent guy, he’s had his share of dating ups and downs, and he definitely deserves to find someone lovely.  But why the fuck couldn’t that someone have been her?

Of course, it’s very early days, and this relationship may not last. Lucy knows only too well from her experience with Brad that things that burn bright at the beginning often grind to a halt faster than a Ferrari with diesel in the tank.  But Lucy’s also heard plenty of stories of couples who went on just one date and knew.  People who were single for a long time, and then met someone, and clicked, and were engaged within six months.

In her gut she’s convinced it’ll be the latter.  Her luck is just not that good – and the universe, it’s abundantly clear, really does not want her to meet someone.


They don’t speak for a week, during which Lucy tries to get on with her life, and not think about Ben. But she misses him.  She’s used to him flashing up on her phone morning, noon and night, but now there’s nothing but silence.  And silence is bad for an overthinker like Lucy. It allows her the headspace to fester, and ponder, and wind herself up into a fury about what he’s done. Because yes, she’s mad. Really fucking mad.  How fucking dare he lead her on again, a second time, and then bin her for someone else, AGAIN!

She simply can’t pretend she’s OK with this any longer.  He needs to be fucking TOLD.  So she tells him.

Of course it may not work out with Bumble Girl.  But if it doesn’t, what then?  Could Lucy give Ben a third chance?  She doesn’t think so.  Right now she doesn’t even want to be friends with him, and there’s no fucking way she’s going to be anyone’s backup option.  Even meeting him now, as friends, would be too awkward.  Nope, all those bridges have been burned in the fiery flames of Lucy’s outrage.

Lucy will be fine.  She’ll get over this, just like she always does.  She wasn’t in love with Ben – she’d never even bloody met the man, for fuck’s sake. But all these little injuries: time after time, they take their toll.  Each time she grieves a little, and then picks herself up, dusts herself off, and carries on as usual, but what of the scars left behind?  These scars that are slowly and surely thickening around her heart.  And deep down she fears she may be too damaged now to ever meet anyone.  The cuts of a thousand tiny knives have bled her dry.

Lucy wonders why she always seems to be the ‘almost’ girlfriend, but never the real deal.  Her life is full of men who flirt with her, tell her she’s beautiful, express shock that she’s single… and then go off and date and marry other women.  What is she doing wrong?

And just like that, on a rainy afternoon, he met someone.  Well, they do say it happens when you least expect it, don’t they?  That evening when you drag yourself out when you aren’t really feeling it, when all you really want to do is curl up in your PJs with reruns of Grey’s Anatomy, and your hair’s unwashed and your legs unshaved and you’re wearing your least favourite pair of jeans and an old t-shirt with yellow stains in the armpits, that’s the evening when you’ll somehow find yourself eating cake at 2 am in a late night cafe in Leicester Square with the guy who used to be the drummer from Reef.

So she can’t blame Ben.  Dating’s a war zone, and in this brutal, dog-eat-dog world, it’s every man for himself.  It just sucks arse that she had to end up being collateral damage.

Ben disappears again. Where once he was permanently on the end of her WhatsApp, always there with a joke or a reassuring word or a piece of advice, now he’s vanished, no doubt off banging this new bird in every room in his house, and not giving Lucy even a second’s thought, while she sits, alone in Kenya, torturing herself with what ifs and maybes.  What if she’d gone home three weeks earlier?  What if he’d actually answered his phone that time she tried to call him?  What if it hadn’t been raining that day, and he’d decided to do something else instead…?

It’s true.  This whole thing is a joke. How utterly ridiculous to be so upset about a guy she’s never clapped eyes on!  Chances are, if they had actually gone on that date, Lucy would’ve taken one look at Ben and decided that he was too short, or his hair was all wrong, or he didn’t smell right.  And all that weird long-distance chemistry they’d built up would have disappeared more spectacularly than Madeleine McCann.  So he was right to go on the date.  At least this way one of them’s getting laid.

First Brad, and now Ben.  Lucy’s Kenya experience has hardly been a dating triumph, has it?  Luckily she’ll be home soon, where she can fail miserably at finding love on home turf instead.

NEXT TIME: A new story.



  1. Lindsay
    3rd November 2018 / 10:55 am

    I’m so sorry it didn’t work out. 😔 I did, however, feel slightly uncomfortable at the thought that he was seemingly so into you (yes, I know… not yet met blah blah blah), but then readily jumped into bed – presumably (hopefully) only after they’d finished their coffees – with someone else. I dunno, it makes me wonder if he’d been talking to her on WA as much as he’d been talking to you and just not telling you? The alternative is that he’s someone who can build up a quasi relationship full of feelings but then dump that idea as soon as a better, or in this case, a more immediately realisable offer comes along. I’d have been worried that he’s then the type of person who could do that whenever you had a fight if you were actually in a relationship. 😕 He seems decent enough not to do that, but itwould make me wonder. But then I’m an overthinker like you. Try to keep your chin up. 🙂 It has to get better!

    • Lucy
      5th November 2018 / 11:05 pm

      Thanks Lindsay. Yes you’re right, there are certainly a lot of unknowns here. He probably was chatting to her a lot, though from what he told me he really didn’t think much of her and only went on the date out of boredom/curiosity. And then there was amazing chemistry etc… I guess I can’t really blame him, as I said, I’d probably have done the same thing. As for what he’d be like in a relationship, well I guess I’ll never know now!

  2. sarah white
    3rd November 2018 / 11:04 am

    I have a similar relationship with a guy I met once 10 years ago! We WhatsApp all the time and have a pseudo relationship but he Does Not Want to Meet…it’s frustrating and difficult to walk away from because, well, the WhatsApp! I simply don’t understand why he would want to limit things to online…modern dating, eh??

    • Lucy
      5th November 2018 / 11:01 pm

      I think the problem can be that when you’ve been talking for too long, the pressure on the meeting is too much for some people. There is a huge change that the text chemistry won’t translate in real life. This happens ALL the time. So if your text chemistry is too great, then there’s a real fear that by meeting, you will ruin everything and lose the wonderful thing you have going. Yes, there’s a chance it could also be even better in person, but for some people, the risk is too great.

  3. Anonymous
    3rd November 2018 / 11:19 am

    I enjoy your blog but honestly this seems rather OTT and hysterical. You’re expecting a grown man to wait months for a woman he’s been casually whatsapping? You are at fault for letting it go on that long and also for blaming him. He did nothing wrong and you have made yourself look desperate.

    • Lucy
      5th November 2018 / 10:59 pm

      Hi Anonymous! Thanks for taking the time to comment. Sorry if you think this is ‘OTT’, ‘hysterical’ and ‘desperate’. I’m guessing maybe you haven’t ever been in a 6-month relationship with someone you’ve talked to every day – so I’ll just tell you that apart from not meeting in person, in many ways it is not that different from a real relationship. You therefore won’t understand how it feels when that person you have come to trust then betrays you like this. If it happens to you, then maybe you’ll get it.

      • Ant
        20th September 2020 / 12:21 am

        ‘Relationship’??..with someone you’ve never even met. Give over dear! 🙄 I hope you learned your lesson that you don’t text someone for 6 months without ever meeting them

  4. Starfish
    4th November 2018 / 7:47 pm

    If he doesnt want to meet he’s not worth your time and a new one will come along. There’s plenty other men out there. Please read ‘fuck him! Nice girls finish single’.

    • Lucy
      5th November 2018 / 10:56 pm

      Thanks Starfish! And you are right, there are indeed lots of other men out there. Good ones, though? Not so easy to come by!

  5. 12th November 2018 / 12:15 pm

    Oh, Lucy, nooooooo. I don’t think you’re a twat. I know you don’t post all the chatlogs and every nuance of conversation, but it read to me like you weren’t expecting anything, just keeping an open mind and operating on good faith. You have every right to be upset by what happened.

    Also: “The facts are this… I… I… I… we should have stopped talking months ago now put yourself in my shoes” comes across quite differently to, for example, “I can appreciate why you’d feel this way, given how I went on about fancying you. I would have felt this way too if I were in your shoes, and I’m really sorry I didn’t consider your feelings after everything we’ve shared, because words still mean something even if we haven’t met.”

    Having dealt with a great deal of the former, I can confidently say that kind of response to someone in distress is a slow poison for both relationships and friendships. Maybe it’s for the best you guys didn’t connect this time around. Hopefully things will be different if you end up meeting in future?

    I’m so sorry you went through this again, hon. I hope you guys can still have an enjoyable friendship, and that you find a dateable someone who gels with you <3

    • Lucy
      13th November 2018 / 11:03 pm

      Hey my dear, thanks so much for reading and taking the time to comment. Yes it’s a real shame this happened, who knows what might have been had things turned out slightly differently. So the search continues, and no, Ben and I have still not met, and probably never will. If we do, you can bet there’ll be a blog post about it!

  6. Nick
    13th November 2018 / 6:59 pm

    No fun.
    I tend to agree with Peridot. From your previous posts he clearly flirted with you and knew what he was doing.
    Feels like he is either over sharing or not sharing enough :-/.

    As a reader of your blog though I was rather looking forward to you both meeting to see what would happen. Shame (if that doesn’t sound too callous. Feel free to berate me if it does).

    • Lucy
      13th November 2018 / 11:04 pm

      Nah, not callous. I was looking forward to meeting him too. But so far, we still haven’t, and frankly I think we’ve come too far for that now. So he’ll always be a ‘What If’, which to me suggests it just wasn’t meant to be. The search continues!

  7. 17th November 2018 / 4:27 pm

    Men are twats. He knew what he was doing. I’ve had it happen to me several times. I was hoping this one would work out for you 🙁 but he seems like he would be too chicken to follow through even if you did get back to London. You shouldn’t blame yourself, he just ate that up instead of taking blame. 3 weeks is nothing to wait.

    • Lucy
      17th November 2018 / 9:47 pm

      Agreed, 3 weeks isn’t a long time. And I’m really sorry that this has happened to you too. It’s amazing how much it can suck, even when you haven’t met the person. But 6 months is a long time to be chatting every day. I don’t blame myself though, it just is what it is.

  8. Lara
    5th March 2019 / 2:50 am

    Wow this completely sucks. I’m reading your old entries after the non-monogamous man series and this is some kind of grade A banter and connection you’ve got going on with this dude. I don’t understand how it meant so little to him (yes, haven’t met irl but still?? 6 months of this sort of connection isn’t something you find with everyone right?)

    I’ve recently met someone on a dating app and we have amazing connection via text. When we met for a first date i spent 7 hours with him and didn’t notice where all the time went until he pointed it out. I thought we were going to be something special and then I notice he’s still online on the dating apps and when we hang out his phone buzzes with dating app message notifications (I saw it because we were taking a picture with his phone) and it just makes me so disillusioned with men and modern day dating.

    • Lucy
      5th March 2019 / 8:55 am

      Yeah, it did suck at the time, but I think it’s probably for the best. He still pops up on my WhatsApp every so often but that ship has definitely sailed. We probably wouldn’t have worked out anyway.
      That sucks about your guy. Are you still dating? If it’s early stages I can understand why people are still on apps. It may not be that he’s actively looking, lots of people do it out of boredom, or habit, or for an ego boost. Or maybe he likes you but he’s hedging his bets in case you don’t like him? Ask him!

  9. Anon
    28th December 2020 / 4:40 pm

    Out of curiosity did you ever try to find his FB profile ? To find out more about him. A friend of mine ( no not me!) was ‘woo’ed’ by someone online for 9month, made excuses not to meet, in a car accident, ill relative etc. And while all of her friends thought she was being catfished. She was so emotionally immersed, groomed, she wouldn’t listen to us. To cut a long story short, I stumbled on an article online, and it was about the same ‘guy’ she had a ‘relationship’ with. ‘He’d’ done this to multiple intelligent women . He was actually a woman with quite a sad life behind a screen. She knew how to talk to women, because she was a woman. A total fantasist. She even spoke to her on the phone and she put on a deep voice ! Until you meet someone, even video call you never know who they really are.

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Names and some minor details have been changed to protect the innocent. And sometimes the guilty.
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