Guest Post: Emma and the Keeno

Lucy’s taking a break from dating – and from Christmas – and has fucked off to the sunshine for a couple of weeks. She’ll be back in the New Year with a brand new story that I’m pretty sure you’re going to like. In fact, to make sure you don’t miss it, why not subscribe by email now? There’s a handy link in the menu up top.

In the meantime, here’s a guest post courtesy of the lovely Emma, who can be found on Twitter @evh1990.

Emma and the Keeno

Usually I’d be the type to complain that a guy doesn’t message me enough or is playing games. On this occasion it was the complete opposite.

My friend Natalia messaged me to say that she had the perfect man to set me up with.  His name was Guy and he sounded just my type: tall, mixed race, in the military and available.  I agreed and she gave him my number.  I had nothing to lose and he came highly recommended.

Though when I dug deeper into her recommendation I found out that she had met him on Tinder, had one date with him, not felt a connection, but stayed in touch.  So she didn’t really know him all that well and I think she was recommending him based on looks!

Natalia gave Guy my number; he texted me and we chatted back and forth for a bit over the next 24 hours.  Guy was based abroad for six weeks in military training, so I knew we wouldn’t see each other for a while and I kind of expected him to say “I’ll message you when I’m home.” To be honest, I’d rather wait to meet a person than text back and forth for six weeks.

But he didn’t say that.  Instead, whilst texting the next day he asked what I was doing that night.  I was just having a night in so I told him that.

Then he suggested we Facetime.  I’d already told him I had no plans so I didn’t feel like I could say no!  Even though I really would have liked to.  Who Facetimes for a first date?!  I was in my PJs!

But I had no choice, so we chatted for about half an hour.  It’s very odd seeing someone on your screen who you’ve never met, but we got on pretty well and I hung up feeling quite positive about it.

Guy said he wasn’t looking just to sleep around or make a friend; he wanted a relationship.  He also said he didn’t understand when guys got jealous of their girlfriends and were really controlling (something I don’t love in a man!).  So I was quite pleased: he’d said everything I wanted to hear, but here is where things start to get intense.

That night when I went to bed he sent me a message saying he would “love to be in bed with me and cuddle up to me…”

My bed is MY bed.  I’m quite protective over it because I barely ever share it with anyone, so I was unsure from this point (about 30 hours after he’d first been given my number!).  He also made comments about how he couldn’t wait to kiss me when he saw me and he was excited about what was going to happen between us.  It was all a bit intense!

The next day Guy and I Facetimed again (his suggestion not mine as I was painting my room and didn’t have any makeup on!). This time the Facetime was only a couple of minutes as he had the weekend off and was heading off to the pool, but he wanted to show me off to his military friends.

This is where things got weird.  I threw in a few texts trying to put him off, saying that I’d have to meet him in person before he even considered kissing me or “spooning me in bed” but I don’t think he got it.

Because of the time difference there were points during the day when he had had drinks and I was just going about my daily life, painting my room, without drinks.  So maybe we can blame the drinks, but there were more comments, like: “I can’t wait to jump on you and kiss you before bed“, “I really miss you”, and things along those lines.

And then: “I’ve already told three girls at the pool I have a girlfriend, referring to you.”

Lets just remember the fact we’d never met, and this was only the Sunday and he’d first texted me on the Thursday.  I’ll be honest, this freaked me the F out.

So I told him so.  I told him that the girlfriend comment and saying he missed me was too intense so soon. You can’t miss someone you’ve never met!

And he apologised saying he didn’t want to push me away or scare me.  So I thought I’d done the right thing and he’d back off.  But obviously he didn’t get the hint! The blatant obvious hint.

By the Wednesday the keeno texts were slipping back in.  He couldn’t wait to be on “his side of my bed” (excuse me?), he “couldn’t wait to have me in his life“, I’d “make a wonderful girlfriend.

So I had to be brutal.

A week since he first messaged me (ONE week!).  I messaged him saying that I couldn’t start anything over the phone and it was all moving too fast, so I didn’t want him to message me until he got back to the UK five weeks later.  I was still willing to give him a date when he got back, if he just left me alone for those five weeks.

He replied promising not to message me, so I breathed a sigh of relief!

Not for long though.  Two weeks later he messaged again asking if we could plan our date for the day after he got back from his trip.

I wanted to reply saying “sorry I can’t date a man who doesn’t keep his promises” but I left it and just ignored him.

But he messaged again, asking to start afresh and saying he wouldn’t be too keen when we met up.

At this point there was no chance of us meeting up at all!  So I ignored again.

A week later (for God’s sake), he called me.  I jumped away from my phone in case I accidentally pressed accept!  And then shortly after I received a text using every line in the book:

“You can’t deny we got on.”
“Just one date.”
“You have nothing to lose everything to gain.”
“You only live once.”
“Life’s too short not to take chances.”
“I’m really not that bad.”
“I promise it won’t be a waste of your time.”

Honestly, every one of those was in one text!

So it was time for me to pipe up and sort this out:

I don’t want to be rude, but I don’t want to go on a date with you. I mentioned on the 6th September that I didn’t like the keenness. Then again, on 10th September, and you promised not to message me and that you’d let me message you when you were back. If you scroll up you’ll see you’ve done the complete opposite. I would have messaged you when you got home and given you another chance but this is too much. I don’t want to be too blunt but at the same time I don’t want to make some excuse. We’ve never met and don’t know each other at all so I just want to cut this off now. Sorry if I’m being rude but it’s just how I feel.

I questioned whether I’d been too blunt, but I felt it was needed.  Sometimes with men you have to spell it out!

Fortunately he was pleased that I’d been honest and to the point and said more women should be blunt with people!  So he wished me luck with the dating and said he’d never meant to come across as a keeno.

Obviously this wasn’t the end and for the next year he would like all my Instagram photos and even “happened to” book a trip to Vegas at the same time as I was going.  I blocked him and looked over my shoulder that whole trip!

Lets hope this really is the end.

So what have I learnt from this dating experience?  After all, I think you learn something from every experience.

Maybe from this one I learnt that meeting someone through a setup doesn’t mean it’s going to work any more than if you meet someone on a dating app.  Perhaps the ones you meet on dating apps might be better (my experience since tells me so!).

The bad thing is, if social media or phones didn’t exist we might have been set up on a real date and talked for the first time in real life rather than on Facetime.  And we might have got on.  But we’ll never know!

If you want to find out more about Emma, you can find her on Twitter at @evh1990, or on Instagram at



  1. 22nd December 2018 / 11:11 am

    Oh my god, this guy sound like a total freak

  2. 26th December 2018 / 9:48 pm

    Oh my goodness that sounds so creepy! I can’t believe someone would be like that !

  3. 28th January 2019 / 11:52 pm

    Oh my god that made me laugh so much ! Keeno LOL!

  4. John Smith
    5th September 2019 / 2:27 pm

    seems to be hilarious!

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