Lucy and Josh met up five times before she went to Kenya, but although Josh was a sweetheart and they did fancy each other, there was something missing. Before Lucy left they both agreed, a little sadly, that this wasn’t going to be A Thing, but that they would keep in touch while she’s away, and maybe meet up again when she gets back. Y’know, like, when they’re both horny, or whatever.
While she’s been away they’ve kept in touch sporadically, messaging via WhatsApp or commenting on each other’s Instagram posts. Lucy knows he’s been on a few dates, but without any success, so she figures that if anyone might be up for a bit of no-strings mutual itch-scratching, it’ll be him. He’d bloody better be, TBH, because it’s been 3 months since she last got laid, and if he isn’t she’s entirely out of options.
But she’s reasonably confident he will be, because a few weeks before she was due to fly home, Josh sends her a message that throws all her doubts into a skip and sets fire to them. It comes completely out of the blue, late one evening after they’ve been discussing the possibility of Lucy giving him some tips on his new website.
Lucy’s gone to bed, so doesn’t read the message till the next morning. Talk about a wake-up call!
So they agree to meet up when she gets back. And just in case Lucy’s in any doubt about his intentions when they do meet, he adds this for good measure.
The compliment makes Lucy cringe even harder than watching TV sex scenes in the company of her parents, but at least it’s a compliment. Better than being told she’s got a rancid beaver, that’s for sure.
So it’s Game On, and she’s looking forward to it. It’s been a long wait, but finally she’s about to get some. Halle-fucking-lujah.
But then, two days before she and Josh are due to meet, she goes on that very surprising date with Charlie, and suddenly everything changes.
In the history of Lucy’s love life, this is unprecedented. She almost never meets men she fancies, and the chances of her meeting one who fancies her back are rarer than finding a free seat on a Southern Rail train at rush hour.
Yet suddenly she has two! What is happening?
Lucy has no idea what’s going to happen with Charlie, but he’s made no secret of the fact that he’s gagging to rip her clothes off the very second she gives him the nod, an offer that’s already sending her into agonies of what-ifs and if-onlys.
If she does decide to accept his very charming offer to bend her over the sofa and bang her senseless until she can no longer stand, does that mean that potentially she could have sex with two different men in the same week? And if that happens, would it make her a slut?
Lucy feels secretly proud at the thought. She’s never been a slut before. Geeky, overweight teenage Lucy would be absolutely delighted to see herself now. And nearly-40 Lucy’s pretty fucking chuffed too, TBH.
Would people judge her, though? She imagines they would – the miserable cunts. But why should she be ashamed? She’s free and single, Josh is free and single, Charlie’s… well, let’s not dwell on that too much. Anyway, no one thinks this is an exclusive relationship. The po-faced judgy bastards can go fuck themselves. They’re probably just jealous anyway.
Lucy and Josh agree to meet for lunch at a pub near her place. This is not an accident: if all goes well, there’ll be somewhere close by to retreat to for that long-overdue naked action.
She spends the morning in nervous anticipation, but her nerves swiftly turn to acid-spitting fury when Josh texts at 1.30 pm to say he’s only just leaving home and will be another hour. This means she won’t get fed until at least 3 and she hasn’t had any breakfast. It’s not a good idea to let Lucy get too hungry. Not if you want to keep your testicles.
So when he finally buzzes her flat at around 2.30, Lucy’s about ready to eat her own arm off, but as he reaches the top of the stairs she suppresses her rage and puts on a smile. It’s been five months since she last saw him, but he looks exactly the same: still kind of ruggedly handsome, a little grizzled, tanned from summer weekends spent outside, his clothes a little crumpled and tired – a sort of kind-but-knackered Dad look that he actually manages to pull off pretty well.
She leans in to give him a kiss. But rather than kiss her back, Josh recoils and looks at her as though she’s just told him she voted Leave.
What? What did she do wrong? They’ve kissed before – and the rest! And hasn’t he literally come over here for sex? Why the fuck would kissing him be a weird thing to do?
He comes in and starts taking off his shoes and coat, but Lucy stops him.
“Don’t do that,” she says briskly. “We’re going straight out.”
Josh visibly recoils.
“What? It’s two-fucking-thirty! I’m literally about to die of starvation! We need to get lunch!”
An unfed Lucy takes no prisoners.
As they walk down the road, Lucy reaches to take Josh’s hand, and again he flinches.
“What’s this?” he asks.
“What’s what?” Lucy’s very confused. Why’s he being so fucking weird?
“Well I wasn’t expecting you to hold my hand…”
“I don’t have to if you don’t want me to,” sniffs Lucy, peeved.
“No, I like it! It’s just that I normally only hold hands with someone I’m in a romantic partnership with.”
“But isn’t this a romantic partnership? Maybe only a casual one, but still… But we don’t have to if you don’t want to.” She takes her hand away. Fuck you, Josh.
“It’s fine, I like it!” he replies, and grabs it back.
But now Lucy’s more irate than she gets when people ask her if she’s ‘Miss’ or ‘Mrs’. He was weird about kissing her, and now he’s being extra weird about holding her hand, so what the actual fuck is he even here for? He sends a bunch of sexy messages, all suggestive and flirty, and then turns up an hour and a half late behaving as though he’s some elderly chaperone at the school disco… what even IS that? Lucy’s totally unimpressed, and quite frankly, Josh you twat, she’s not even sure if she wants to have sex with you any more.
Except of course she does, because he’s here, and he smells nice, and it’s been too fucking long, and she’s already defuzzed her legs and trimmed her lady garden and it would be very tedious indeed to waste all that effort.
In the pub they order wine and pizza and when it comes it’s hot and delicious and Lucy, who by now is wasting away and flailing weakly on the floor from starvation, inhales the entire thing in 3 minutes flat and flays all the skin off the roof of her mouth.
While she does so Josh fills her in on what he’s been up to. Teaching, mostly, and a couple of dates, one of whom he quite liked, but she binned him.
Lucy feels sad for him. Not for the first time she wishes they could feel more for each other – how lovely that would be – but Josh is just too eccentric, and although they fancy each other, there’s something missing. That rare chemistry, that elusive spark that quickens the pulse and sets the neurons firing, that means you can’t stop thinking about the other person, and when you see them you just have to rip their clothes off immediately or you might actually die. Lucy and Josh just don’t have it.
What she fears, though, is that she does have it with Charlie. And that’s fucking terrifying.
But now’s not the time to worry about that. Josh is here, and now that wine has been drunk, and the initial awkwardness has worn off, he’s finally stopped being a dick. As soon as the flat door’s closed he kisses her and gently steers her into the bedroom, stripping off his jumper and shirt as he goes.
“You’re overdressed,” he tells her, removing her top and bra. Ever helpful, Lucy removes her skirt and flings herself on the bed in what she hopes is an inviting manner.
It seems to work, because Josh immediately does what any considerate gentleman would do and gets reacquainted with her ‘tasty pussy’ (still cringe!). Which is lovely, and Lucy’s very grateful for his attention, but unfortunately he’s grown a rather scratchy short beard, and she feels like a particularly stubborn roasting dish being scoured by an enthusiastic kitchen porter.
She wants to say something, but Josh has been so twitchy and sensitive she’s afraid of putting him off. So she lets him continue, until genuine fear that he’s going to scrub off her epidermis forces her to politely inform him that his beard hurts like a fucking bitch, and could he be so kind as to keep it away from her?
Gentleman that he is, Josh stops immediately and comes back up to kiss her instead.
“Oh, but I didn’t mean for you to stop!” says Lucy. “Just maybe be more gentle?”
“Shall I continue then?”
“Well only if you want to.”
“I do, very much so!”
Josh is such a keeper. Why can’t she feel more for him, FFS!
Back down he goes, but this time he dives in headfirst so that his beard is away from her, um, sensitive area, and his, um, sensitive area is right in her face. At this point the obvious polite thing to do is to join in, so even though Lucy finds giving and receiving at the same time rather confusing, she dutifully gets involved. Josh seems to appreciate this – at least, he starts making the right sort of noises – so Lucy carries on for a while, but the multitasking is distracting her from the main event. She knows that unless she focuses on just that, Josh is going to be down there until jaw RSI sets in, so for his sake as much as hers she stops what she’s doing, closes her eyes, and tries to think sexy thoughts to achieve the desired result.
And immediately, the sexy thoughts that pop into her brain are all about Charlie.
Is this wrong? That while it’s Josh down there providing the physical stimulation, it’s thoughts of Charlie, confident, determined, sexy AF Charlie, who fires all the powerful synapses in her brain. Images of Charlie, pinning her against a wall and kissing her passionately. Charlie, hitching up her skirt and grinding into her. Charlie, naked on top of her, thrusting into her again and again and again…
Afterwards, she needs to take a moment. Could it have been the fact that it’s been a fuck of a long time since anyone did that? Josh’s great technique? Or Charlie, getting deep and hard inside her most powerful sexual organ: her brain.
Obviously she allows Josh to take all the credit.
“Wow! I needed that! It’s been a while.”
“For me too,” he agrees.
“So, your turn. How can I return the favour?”
“Well,” he says politely, “I’d quite like to fuck you now.”
“Sounds like a plan! Do you have a condom?”
Josh reaches into his bag and produces some horror made by a brand she’s never even heard of called ‘Blueberry Blast’. She looks at it nervously. She has no idea if the brand is any good, but she’s pretty sure anything flavoured is bound to be super chafy.
“What is that?” she laughs nervously.
“It’s a condom,” Josh explains, unhelpfully. “Aren’t they all the same?”
“Where did you get it?”
“I think it was free somewhere.” Yeah, sounds about right.
Lucy offers to get up and find one of her sensitive Durex ones she has left over from her trip to Kenya, but before she can move Josh has the blue balloon out of the packet and is rolling it on. She eyes it suspiciously.
“What’s the point of flavoured condoms anyway? Who TF sucks cock with a condom on?”
“You probably should, to be fair; you can still catch stuff. But it’s not very pleasant for either party.”
She touches her tongue to the blue tip. Unsurprisingly, it tastes of condom. I mean, srsly, what’s even the fucking point?
Still, it’s on now. It’ll do the job. And indeed it does, though while fucking Josh is nice enough – and it’s certainly good to get some action after so many bone-dry months – all she can think about is Charlie. What it would be like if he were here instead of Josh. Whether he’d think she’s any good in bed. He’s probably slept with scores, maybe even hundreds of women: could she handle the pressure of so much comparison?
Lucy doesn’t even have the faintest idea if she’s any good, actually, nor how she compares to other women. No one’s ever complained, but someone like Josh would be far too polite to say anything anyway, so how would she ever know? If she slept with Charlie, maybe he’d teach her some new tricks…
She’s brought back from her daydream by the realisation that the ridiculous blue condom is now starting to chafe, but just as she’s wondering whether she should say something or put up with it, Josh gasps that he’s about to come, and so she squeezes him tighter and makes encouraging noises in his ear until he does.
He jumps up to dispose of the offending blue monstrosity and then gets back into bed, where they cuddle up together. It’s actually very cosy and lovely to be in bed, post fuck, with a sweet guy who smells great, in the middle of the afternoon. Lucy relaxes and closes her eyes.
She wakes with a jolt.
“Oh God! Did I nod off just then?”
“Ha! Yes I think you might have done! You were twitching!”
Lucy’s never fallen asleep by accident before. She’s the type of person who can’t even sleep when she’s trying really fucking hard, eyes squeezed tight shut, in bed in a dark room, at 2 am. She stays awake through long-haul flights, watching film after film until her eyes go blurry. She sends men to sleep in the spare room because having someone else in the bed keeps her awake. The only way she was able live with The Ex for so long was by developing a totally unsexy addiction to earplugs and eye masks, an addiction that she still maintains, even though nowadays her bed is more empty than Katie Hopkins’ heart.
So how the Actual Fuck did she just fall asleep cuddling Josh? Does this mean that he’s special? Could being able to fall asleep with him make him The One? And most importantly of all did she snore? Or worse, dribble?
Josh sits up. “I should probably go soon.”
“Yeah, I guess,” says Lucy, who has Shit To Do. But she’s not sure she’s ready for him to leave quite yet, so she kisses him again and it’s such a good kiss she starts to feel tingly in all the good places. She reaches downwards but it seems Josh isn’t feeling the same.
“You know,” he says, “you make me feel like you only want me for one thing!”
Lucy’s outraged. Is he accusing her of being a sex pest?
“But you came here for sex!” she defends. “You made it completely clear in your texts that that’s what you wanted!”
“Well yes, I did, but that wasn’t the only reason. If you’d said it wasn’t happening, I’d still have come to have lunch with you. And if you’d said I was only coming here for sex then I probably wouldn’t have come, actually.”
Lucy’s astounded. A man who doesn’t just want to have sex?!
“Well that’s fine. I did want to see you too. And we had nice lunch and wine, AND sex. So it’s a win all round!”
She gets up to get a glass of water, and when she returns he’s put his clothes back on. From the doorway she grins at him cheekily. “Who said you could get dressed?” she demands. “Take your shirt off again!”
“Well that was a bit rude!” Josh seems offended again. For actual fuck’s sake, what’s wrong with the man?
He comes over and kisses her again, a farewell kiss this time, and Lucy finds herself mentally checking out already. It’s good if he goes now, she thinks, she’s got stuff to get done. Plus her temporary housemate, the girl who rented her spare room while she was in Kenya, is still here, and will be home soon. Lucy doesn’t really want to have to explain Josh to her. Especially not if Charlie might end up swinging by at some point…
At the door he kisses her goodbye.
“Thank you for lunch,” Lucy says.
“I had a lovely time,” he replies, all formal and polite again.
Lucy watches him descend the stairs, rather bemused. She has no idea what just happened, what he makes of her, or even if she’ll ever see him again. But right now she’s not too fussed. Her mind is definitely on someone else.
NEXT TIME: Things hot up between Lucy and Charlie.