Mr Non-Monogamous, Part 5 – Breaking News

After seven smoking hot dates, during which Lucy did her level best to resist non-monogamous Charlie’s advances as much as she possibly could, finally, last Sunday, her willpower crumbled.

You can read all the juicy details of what happened here, or catch up from the beginning of this story here.

Maybe it was the release of all that built-up sexual tension, maybe it’s that Charlie’s had a somewhat alarming amount of practice, but Lucy reckons she can only count on the fingers of, well, one finger, the number of times she’s been fucked that fantastically. Which might sound wonderful – and of course it was (oh fuck yeah it really was) – but there’s a problem. Because now she’s found this magical source of wondrous sexual brilliance, she simply can’t tear herself away. And Charlie, as you should know by now (and if don’t, where the fuck have you been?), is in an Open Relationship.

But that’s just something Lucy’s going to have to deal with – for now at least. Even if this whole crazy situation is going to end up being a total headfuck; even if she ends up getting her heart ripped out and put through an industrial shredder… It’s a deal she knows she basically has no choice but to accept, because right now all she wants is one thing: more Charlie, only Charlie, Charlie naked in every room in her flat and from every possible angle and as much of him as she can possibly get her hands on for as long as she can manage before the whole thing explodes in a fireball of shit, and she finds herself lying dazed and confused in a heap 100 yards down the road, bruised and broken and unable to remember her own name.

So when Charlie asks her on their eighth date the following Thursday, of course she accepts, and throughout Monday Lucy enjoys that warm, freshly-fucked glow, and maybe has a little extra spring in her step, and the world seems a little sunnier, and there might even be a rainbow or two in the sky (Oh FFS, calm down woman...)

Bombshell

But then, on Tuesday afternoon while she’s at work, that explosive destruction happens far sooner than she’d ever anticipated. It comes in the form of a WhatsApp.

At first Lucy can’t process the message. She reads it again, and this time her stomach plummets fifteen floors and an iron fist squeezes all the breath from her lungs.

What. The. Actual. Fuck?

She couldn’t be more knocked sideways if an 18-wheeler had just crashed through the wall of her office and flattened half her colleagues. Her heart starts galloping and her cheeks go red and she thinks she might be about to cry, so she runs to hide in the toilet while she tries to understand what’s just happened.

He’s getting married?? But why? WHY, FFS?! It’s an open relationship. They already live together! They’re not religious! Why do they need to get fucking married?!

With a sinkhole where her intestines used to be, she forwards the message to her best friend, Lily, who replies right away.

Level-headed Lily makes a very good point, but even so Lucy doesn’t really know why this news has shocked her so profoundly. She’s only known the man a few weeks, and it’s not like she didn’t know he was in a serious relationship. Is marriage really so very different from co-habiting anyway? So on one level, he’s right. It doesn’t really change anything.

And yet, on another, it changes everything. Having a girlfriend is somehow more casual, it’s less serious, it allows space in your life for other things, other people. But getting married? That’s a lifetime commitment, starting a family and growing old together. That says, I’ve made my choice, I’ve found my person. And for Lucy, who’s spent her entire life looking for hers and is still no closer to finding him, the fact that yet another great guy has been snapped up by someone else cuts deeper than she imagined possible.

And then gorgeous Lily throws her a boost for good measure. Everyone needs a Lily in their life. Seriously, get one. I highly recommend it.

Lucy pulls herself together and goes back to her desk.  But there’s no fucking way she’s getting any more work done today. Instead, she types out a carefully-considered reply and sends it.

Charlie’s response comes back soon afterwards.

Reading his reply, the confirmation that he has feelings for her too, Lucy finds herself welling up again. It’s so fucking unfair. She literally NEVER meets guys she has this level of connection with. And then, when she finally does, he’s fucking engaged!  When is she ever going to catch a fucking break!

Lucy forwards his replies back to Lily for her analysis.

So after all that intense build-up, and that one incredible afternoon of All The Sex, it’s over, just as swiftly and surprisingly as it began.  But hey, it’ll be OK. It might hurt now, but Lucy’ll get over this fresh disappointment, she always does.  It’s not like she thought this one was going anywhere anyway.

Friend Zone

Thursday’s date is still in the diary, so Lucy decides to meet Charlie as planned. Although she knows it’ll be painful to see him, she really doesn’t want this to end by text. She needs to see him, to clear the air and establish their new, platonic friendship over a drink.

Never mind of course that she’s entirely fucking kidding herself, and that what she really wants is to see him because she already misses him, and it’s impossible for her to keep away.

They meet in a pub near London Bridge station. Fresh from work in a suit, Charlie looks excruciatingly edible, and it’s all Lucy can do to keep from reaching out and touching him. But they’re just friends now, she needs to remember that. Just fucking friends. Except without the fucking, more’s the pity.

Half a bottle of wine later and she’s tipsy, which is less than ideal on a school night with a man she’s trying to resist. She needs to put the brakes on before she falls back down the rabbit hole, so she suggests they go and get some dinner.

As they walk down the street to a nearby Thai restaurant, Charlie automatically takes her hand. It feels lovely, so right and natural, that although Lucy knows this is crossing a friend line, she doesn’t object. Hand-holding’s not the end of the world. Friends in some cultures hold hands, don’t they?  But the touch of his hand makes all the blood rush to her lady parts, and she finds it hard to concentrate on what he’s saying.

They order a selection of Thai dishes: green curry, prawn stir-fry, spring rolls, rice, and another bottle of wine. Another tick in the box, thinks Lucy sadly, that he likes all the same food I do and is happy to share. But she pushes the thought away; he was never going to be hers anyway, and they’re just friends now. Just. Friends.

They chat comfortably about safe topics. Charlie tells her he likes football and supports Nottingham Forest.
“Why?”
“It’s where I grew up.”
“So what does being a Nottingham supporter involve then?”
“Oh, I used to buy posters and t-shirts, I always look at them first on the BBC sports results, occasionally I go to matches…”

Lucy’s astounded to find herself having an actual conversation about football that doesn’t make her want to fall into a coma. This is bad, this is fucking bad. The man could be talking about stamp collecting and she’d find him fascinating. What TF is wrong with her?!

As they chat, Charlie reaches across the table and starts touching her hair, twirling a strand between his fingers and looking at her intensely, with those disarming crinkles in the corners of his brown eyes, and although she knows this is again crossing the friend line, somehow she can’t bring herself to stop him.

Heart To Heart

But they can only carry on the pretence of casual chitchat for so long.  There’s an elephant in the room, flapping its ears and puffing and bellowing, casting its huge grey shadow over proceedings, and Lucy can’t ignore it any longer.

“So I suppose we should talk about your news…” she begins. “I do think you should have told me sooner, though I get why you didn’t. But although you said this doesn’t change anything for you, it does for me. I’m sorry. Much as it pains me to turn all this away, it just seems like a really bad idea to carry on.”

“I completely understand. But honestly I’m gutted it’s over so soon. Last Sunday was amazing. I mean, I hoped it would be good; I thought it probably would be. But I wasn’t expecting that level of good. And I want more.”

It’s probably just bullshit flattery, thinks Lucy, but even so, she can’t help feeling pleased.

“I was a bit surprised, because you seem kind of shy talking about sex,” he continues. “You’re quite reserved, so I expected inhibitions. But then you went and blew me away!”
“I guess I’m more relaxed once I’ve got to know someone, and trust them. And I like having someone else take charge. You were good at taking charge.”
“Well I enjoyed it very much. I’d love to do it again.” He takes a sip of his wine and looks at her thoughtfully. “You know, I really wasn’t expecting to catch feelings for you like this.”

Lucy tries not to react to his words, but What the Actual? He thinks he’s caught feelings for her? After just seven dates?! She’d think he was bullshitting, except… she feels it too. A lump rises in her throat and she can’t stop the tears.

The whole thing is so outrageously unfair. She’s met a guy and they’ve fallen for each other – shouldn’t this be one of the happiest moments of her life?! They should be skipping joyfully through meadows of wildflowers, holding hands in front of a sunset, kissing passionately on a white beach… Instead, she’s crying into her green curry in a decidedly average Thai restaurant, grieving yet again for her shitty, shitty luck.

He takes her hand and squeezes it gently, looking at her with compassion in his eyes.

“What would have happened if I’d met you first?” she asks. And then hates herself. It’s such a stupid pointless question, and all it does is massage his already no-doubt inflated ego. She needs to learn some fucking self-respect.  But honest-to-a-fault, overshary Lucy can only ever tell the truth. She’d make an utterly appalling spy.

“You know, nothing’s changed for me,” Charlie says, dodging the unanswerable question. “I knew about this when I got involved with you.”
“Yeah, well I didn’t. And it’s been a horrible shock.”
“I’m sorry.”

Lucy shrugs and drains the rest of her wine. There’s nothing more to be said. Except for maybe one, possibly ill-advised thing. “You know, I reserve the right to call on you in couple of months when I’m fed up of dating apps and desperate for a shag!” she jokes. Except of course, she’s not joking at all. She’s simply not able to close the door entirely.
“I will always be available to you any time you need me.”

They leave the bar and start walking back to the tube station. As they pass another pub, Charlie pauses. “One more drink?”
But that way, temptation lies. Any more wine, and she knows she won’t be able to resist him.

They part at the tube station.  As they say goodbye, Charlie kisses her on the mouth one last time and briefly, ever so briefly, Lucy gives way and allows it. One final, bittersweet kiss, before the sensible part of her brain kicks in and she pulls away.
“Stop it, Charlie,” she scolds. “You’re torturing me now.”

Travelling home, she feels utterly fucking gutted, and confused. Did she do the right thing?  Does the engagement news really change anything?  Does she really want to turn away this gorgeous man and all the amazing times they could have had? But beside the confusion there’s something else. A little relief, maybe, that she was able to get out before she got too involved, before she got seriously hurt? And, y’know, she had a great time. It’s sad that it had to end so soon, but oh what fun she had. So no, no regrets. Time to get back on the dating horse for the eleventy billionth time and see who else is out there…

NEXT TIME: Can Lucy really stay away from Charlie?

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46 Comments

  1. Anonymous
    9th February 2019 / 9:40 am

    I don’t get it. You’re happy to fuck a guy that has a girlfriend in a poly relationship, but lambast him for not telling you his plans to propose? C’mon. You’re very naive when it comes to matters of the heart. Not a bad thing.
    It changes nothing. Have great sex till you gonna something else. This guy wins either way and you get good sex…win win.

    • 9th February 2019 / 7:47 pm

      The fact that it changes nothing to him isn’t the point. He had the plan to propose for ages and finally announced his engagement to Lucy just two days after he finally got to fuck her. Two days! The timing of it all is super suspect and comes across as deliberate to me.

      It just seems silly that he chose to move so fast. He was the one ramping up the connection and scheduling lots of close together dates and in light of that news it comes off as a blatant plan to escalate. Why not just slow it down, let Lucy get used to the idea of non-monogamy for longer, flirt and kiss some more and build a friendship, then after he proposes, tell her about it and see if she wants to move forward with a sexual relationship? But no, I guess he decided his short term gratification was more important.

      He says ‘I didn’t know how you’d feel’ but I think he knew exactly how she’d feel, so decided to have sex and then drop the bombshell after that so that at least he could say he closed the deal with her.

      • Lucy
        Author
        10th February 2019 / 12:20 am

        Thank you both for you comments.

        Firstly, I’d say ‘Happy to fuck’ is a bit strong. I’m obviously massively attracted to him, and in the battle between head and heart – or head and a bit lower down – the latter won. When I found out that he’d been keeping this secret, well yes, I was upset. I felt it wasn’t fair of him to hide this important thing from me. Whether it would have made a difference, I dunno. But he never gave me the chance to decide for myself, and I do think he should have done.

        Secondly, yes, maybe you’re right, Anonymous. The news was a shock, and I felt betrayed and lied to, but it doesn’t actually change anything. If I can get my head around it, then sure, sticking around and enjoying the sex would be an option worth considering…

        Thirdly, Hollie, you’re right. He was pursuing me (though arguably I was, if not directly encouraging, then at least definitely not saying no) while at the same time holding onto a huge secret, and he should have told me, or waited until he was ready to tell me before pursuing me. I’m genuinely not sure how I feel about this. Obviously at the time I felt hurt and betrayed, and maybe he handled it badly, but I’m not sure I think he did it deliberately to manipulate me. I dunno though.

        • Joni
          10th February 2019 / 8:08 am

          He’s got player skills and you are wanting a need filled so he is able to manipulate you. He is not polyamerous, he’s cheeting. If it was poly you would have met his #1 lady and she would have given you both permission to fuck, or not, if she didn’t think you were right for him.
          This guy is a cheater and player and just using you for sex amd saying he is poly is his game. I seriously doubt that his #1 gal has even seen a pic of you or knows your name, and she probably thinks he’s just at the bar with the guys or something.
          The great thing about these situations is we learn what we do want and what we don’t want and each experience brings us closer to realising ourselves more fully. It sounds like you truely realize now that you want to be someones special #1 and not someone’s side dish 🙂
          most of us gals have been through this.
          Chemistry is just chemistry and a relationship isn’t possible without mutual goals. Align your goals first and fall in love with that guy who fits your life.

          • Lucy
            Author
            10th February 2019 / 10:45 pm

            Thanks for your comment, Joni! You’re right that I want to be someone’s number one, but after many years of searching part of me doubts whether that is in my future, and part of me just wants to enjoy life and take opportunities as they come. I might be dead tomorrow anyway, so why worry?
            Also, he’s definitely not cheating. I know someone who knows them as a couple and it’s been confirmed.

  2. Jo
    9th February 2019 / 9:41 am

    Am genuinely heartbroken for you. Sending you a big virtual hug. I love your writing btw. Your blog means that I have always something to look forward to on Saturday.

    • Lucy
      Author
      10th February 2019 / 12:20 am

      Thank you so much Jo! I’m so pleased you like it! It’s exhausting but I’ll try to keep going for as long as I can!

  3. Lindsay
    9th February 2019 / 9:42 am

    *Peanut gallery screaming NOOOOOOO! Step away!*

    Oh my goodness… I’m SO sorry to say this, but I think Lily was absolutely right. I call total bullshit on him. And I’m so angry at him for hanging onto the biggest news of his life until the second after he got what he wanted from you. The fact that he then continues to bullshit you with his ‘catching feelings’ shit just pisses on my battery even more. He seems to be a narcissistic dick who relishes stringing women along and he just needs to go. You deserve so much better than this clown. Sorry for the outsider’s 5p opinion, but I call definite bullshit. You handled it as well as you could do under the circumstances though, so kudos! I can’t say I’d have been as kin, he’d probably have been ripped a new one by now if it were me!

    • Lucy
      Author
      10th February 2019 / 12:25 am

      Well I have to agree that Lily is brave and wise and clever, so we have to trust everything she says. But note that she did also say she thought his reply was perfect. So maybe he’s not so bad.
      Honestly, I don’t know. It’s really interesting reading everyone’s views. It can be very hard to see the truth when you are in the middle of it and when you are emotionally involved. Often those on the outside with a bit of distance can see far better. But also, maybe there are nuances that don’t come across in the writing, or details I’ve left out for storytelling/brevity’s sake, that might have made a difference to your interpretation. It’s really hard to know.
      Thank you for commenting, though.

  4. Anonymous
    9th February 2019 / 2:54 pm

    He messed up big time by not disclosing that sooner. He’s using ‘I didn’t expect this to become anything’ as an excuse. He knew you were apprehensive about the poly thing and that you were catching feels for him. He put his cock and wife to be before your feelings, basically.

    As a non-monogamous person with a primary partner I wouldn’t have even gone this far with someone who clearly wasn’t comfy with the state of things, because I value people’s feelings over getting myself off. It’s good that you don’t have regrets though. It’s you and your awesome cool attitude to life that can take credit for that though, not Charlie’s treatment of your heart.

    • Lucy
      Author
      10th February 2019 / 12:29 am

      Very interesting to hear from someone who is NM with a primary partner. Especially since you criticise him for ‘putting his wife to be before [my] feelings’. Surely that is no bad thing – from his and her perspective. Isn’t that the deal that they’ve made. To not do that would make him a dick for being unfair to her and their agreement. It’s the fundamental problem with having more than one person. It’s all fine when everyone is getting along, but what about when two people have opposing needs/wishes?
      If I were to keep seeing him, would I not simply have to accept that she will always take priority over me?

      • 10th February 2019 / 12:33 pm

        Do you know their precise arrangement? I know most polyamorous people do do “the primary partner thing” but not all of them. And some people are actually against it, feeling that it can’t not be unfair to the non-primary partners. But even with the people who do have a primary, that doesn’t necessarily mean that the primary partner always takes priority. Maybe ultimately they do, but not at every instance. The primary partner isn’t supposed to be able to fully dictate the other relationships their partner has. Although opinions differ… Every relationship is different and I think the majority of polyamorous people are still figuring out how it works for them as well.
        If you did decide you wanted to keep seeing him at some point, talk with him about what you can expect and can’t expect. That his primary girlfriend/wife should always take priority is certainly not a given, I’d say.
        Although they were talking about reevaluating the “openness” of their relationship before or after the marriage so there’s still the possibility of that hanging in the air(and that would seem to indicate they consider each other primary).

  5. Rachel
    9th February 2019 / 3:47 pm

    I agree with lindsay… he waited until after you’d slept together to tell you. The fact he kept it from you at all suggests he knew it would change things and he didnt want to risk that until he’d ‘won his prize’.
    Also… all I could think while he was talking about catching feelings was that he didnt HAVE to propose to the GF! If he really was shocked at how much he liked you couldn’t he have held off a bit and seen where it went with you? But no… he cant really care that much about you as he’s picked her. And he was willing to give up the poly element of the relationship (and you) to be with just her for life. That doesn’t sound at all like he caught feels.
    Well done you for.your response… but I think you need to get this manipulator out of your life! Good luck xx

    • Lucy
      Author
      10th February 2019 / 12:32 am

      I’ve got to agree the timing doesn’t help. Though I suspect he had this planned for a while, and me coming on the scene was incidental. While that may excuse the timing, it doesn’t excuse the fact that he let me into his life and/or didn’t tell me the full truth, before sleeping with me.
      I do think he was being honest about catching feels, but clearly what he feels for me is nothing compared to what he feels for his GF. Which is great for her, but heartbreaking for me.

  6. Anonymous Rob
    9th February 2019 / 5:07 pm

    Well, I still can’t shake the feeling that this is the slyest conman ever. Have you found proof that the other girl is in an agreed poly relationship? Maybe I’m just biased, but I think most guys are cheating douchebags. As a guy myself, I’ve witnessed a lot of “locker room talk” and I’ve met far more bad guys than I have good guys. Maybe I’m in the wrong for being suspicious… but I don’t want Lucy nor the new bride-to-be getting hurt because Prince Charming over here likes to get his dick wet. Sorry, not sorry.

    • Lucy
      Author
      10th February 2019 / 12:36 am

      I completely get your suspicion. While I don’t know that it’s ‘most guys’ – and women cheat too – I can at the same time count without even trying half a dozen guys I know of who are cheating on their wives. And more and more you see guys on dating apps claiming to be non-monogamous – and I’m not sure I trust that their wives or GFs know this!
      In Charlie’s case, however, yes, it’s legit. I’ve had it confirmed by a friend who knows the couple and has known him for 15 years.
      Thank you for your concern though, and for taking the time to comment 🙂

  7. MissUnderstanding
    9th February 2019 / 9:03 pm

    Tbh he never expected it to be more than some flirting and maybe a cheeky kiss? These men lie to themselves even more than their targets. Similar thinking, chillingly, to other sex predators. His poor future wife, she will be dealing with the whims of a self-indulgent man-child who will justify whatever gets him through his days of a lacking core identity. Just my perspective from the field of child protection, and of course, personal romantic experience with a man who never was, but made himself up for a few months of fun and then was gone (although he still hits me up, of course).

    • Lucy
      Author
      10th February 2019 / 12:41 am

      I’m so sorry you went through this. It’s a shame so many of us are scarred by bad experiences with men. Including me – and yes I am suspicious – but I do try not to judge people by the actions of others and give them the benefit of the doubt. Maybe I have been brainwashed and manipulated, maybe he has taken advantage of my insecurity and my loneliness and need to be loved and wanted. But what has he gained? Well, he’s gained some great sex… but I got that too. It’s not like he took something from me that I didn’t want to give. You could say he manipulated me into bed… or maybe he just charmed me into bed. Either way, it was great.
      Would I do it again, knowing what I know now? Yeah, I probably would!

  8. Anonymous
    9th February 2019 / 11:44 pm

    He witheld key information so he can get you into bed and you’re still calling him a “great guy”. Sorry this happened to you but you don’t need this kind of person in your life

    • Lucy
      Author
      10th February 2019 / 12:37 am

      Thanks so much for your concern. Maybe I’m blinded but, yes, I like him a lot, and while I don’t think he handled this well at all, he has been honest with me about his situation. It’s not his fault that I want more than I can have.

      • Anonymous
        10th February 2019 / 9:01 pm

        He definitely has been honest. Easy for the rest of us to comment from the outside :). But I also want to say I very much enjoy the blog, keep up the great work. I do hope things work out for you one way or another!!

        • Lucy
          Author
          10th February 2019 / 10:45 pm

          That’s very kind of you to say, thank you!

  9. Rose
    10th February 2019 / 2:07 am

    I do feel the part of you wanting him in your life, Lucy, because I feel the same with someone as charming as Charlie. But would it do us good? I think we both need to let go.

    • Lucy
      Author
      10th February 2019 / 10:46 pm

      You are almost certainly right, Rose. But when the alternative is going back to the soul-destroying headache of dating apps, or celibacy, it’s not an easy thing to do…

  10. MissUnderstanding
    10th February 2019 / 2:44 am

    In my last comment, I forgot to say how much I love your writing, your humor and the sweetness that shines though in your posts, even in the most maddening situations! I too am glad I had that experience, in many ways, he was the love of my life- but he showed me that part of himself that was the absolute best – the full person was too scarred to ever get truly close to anyone. Actually tho, this Charlie story reminds me of the one time I got with an attached guy (regret it deeply, now, but only amends I can make is never doing it again). He was able to push the physical and emotional buttons to get what he wanted. And what he wanted was always, only, his own fulfillment. But he could sure make it seem like I was getting some kind of deal. He withheld the L word, which I wanted so desperately, until I resolutely ended things. Well, then, lo and behold, he needed to meet with me and he told me he had actually fallen in love with me and couldn’t go on without me. By this time I was seeing someone else, and it registered as the total bs that it had always been. I mean, these guys, the sex is better for them, TOO when they have feelings! So, it’s true in a way. But it’s self sacrifice and honesty -when it hurts THEM – that you’ll never get. Just my opinion having processed the situation for a few years! I can’t really know anyone’s reality, so I am so grateful that you share your experiences, I look forward to every Saturday!

    • Lucy
      Author
      10th February 2019 / 10:49 pm

      That is so kind of you to say, thank you so much! I’m so flattered! 🙂 And I must admit a lot of what you say does ring very true. But when you’re in the middle of the situation, and possibly hearing what you want to hear, it’s hard to know whether you are being manipulated or not. And even if I am, is that so terrible? It’s not like I’m getting nothing out of it, after all…
      Thanks again for making me smile 🙂

  11. 10th February 2019 / 3:03 am

    No opinions from me, except that I think you’re doing the best you can with the situation! Keep your chin up and just do what you feel is right! In the end, that’s what will matter. ❤

    • Lucy
      Author
      10th February 2019 / 10:51 pm

      Thank you, Katie. That is indeed what I’m trying to do. It’s definitely complicated, and a headfuck, but I’ll figure it out eventually. And hey, at least it’s a good story, right?!

  12. 11th February 2019 / 9:48 am

    *hugs* Lucy. This one must have been so difficult. I hope you guys manage to stay friends, as it sounds like you both get along fabulously.

    • 12th February 2019 / 11:50 pm

      Thanks lovely! So kind of you. Yes, we do, though I think some space would probably be necessary before we could go back to being friends…

  13. Bumblebees
    11th February 2019 / 12:08 pm

    Love your blog! But I’m sorry – he is not a great guy – you are giving him more than credit than he’s worth. It’s a shame that in this day and age ‘being upfront and honest’ now makes you more credible – this should be the norm!

    This man knew EXACTLY what he was doing. Heck he must string a long loads of girls in the same way and then wack our the ‘oops sorry I’m engaged’. Yes the sex was great but us women release oxytocin with sex which means we form attachments.

    I’ve learned the hard way that self respect is how a woman attracts a great guy, it doesn’t matter how pretty, successful and attractive she is – if she doesn’t realise (and respect herself) then how can she expect others too?

    Please don’t respect this man for being ‘honest’ – he wasn’t, he acts Nobel and knows he’s got you on his finger – whilst it’s important to be honest with him about feelings I think it’s important to have some emotional intelligence and not be so honest by saying how much they mean to you etc – mainly because you barely know this person and also because it’s moved so fast within such a short space of time. All the red flags are so obvious – but I understand because I was once there too and you do not realise until you leave.

    This man has a narcissitic personality disroder (I’m a doctor so I have some experience of diagnostics) and the best way to deal with this personality disorder is to cut ties and never again speak to them. It’s the only way.

    The only way to be unhappy is to waste time with the wrong person when you could be with the right person. I’ve read your blog and I think you choose to be in situations where you can’t get the guy/doomed from the get go because of a low self esteem – possible from
    Childhood? You feel you don’t deserve someone who actually puts an interest. All these men reignite your anxious attachment system and you mistake this for a spark. As soon as you meet a decent guy (beardy al) who actually wants a relationship and is secure you turn it down because he’s good for you but you don’t feel that anxious attachment/ feel you are deserving of having someone who shows an interest so you turn it down?

    I wish I could hug you through this screen and tell you how amazing you are but it won’t work because you need to believe it yourself! And I don’t believe all this dating is doing you any favours – because it just reinforces that you need to be in a relationship to be happy when actually the people that are truly happy are those who focus on themselves, and are okay being single – they want a relationship but they don’t need it.

    You can do so much better than this terrible man – I wish you could just see what we all can see but it’s difficult.

    I hope you find contentment and happiness but within yourself so that when the right person does come along you will never need to depend on them for your happiness because you are already content on your own.

    • ckav86
      11th February 2019 / 10:25 pm

      Wow. This is an amazing response. Well done. And you’ve got the certificate on the wall which gives you the credibility that the rest of us here, lack.
      This man is a predatory scumbag. Yes, It can be argued she knew his situation so she can’t have any recourse, but the pain doesn’t get resolved by logic.
      I agree with your take on the dating apps too, they do not work for females.
      (I’m a mid 40s perennially single female!)

      • Non
        12th February 2019 / 8:57 pm

        I also work in the same profession and totally agree with this comment. Lucy I read your blogs regularly and find you extremely intelligent and introspective; but I think this man is a narcissist and he has you brainwashed. And Christ, he’s good at it, I’ll give him that.

        One thing I would say though in response to the comment from the poster above, is that I do think you have more self esteem and security than you’re being given credit for here. We’ve read about the amount of times you’ve walked away or turned down something not right for you; you’re not ‘desperate’ and seem to be okay on your own. But I do think whatever spark you’ve perceived from Charlie is linked to your view towards your self and your (possibly low) levels of self worth.

        Absolutely love reading your blogs, keep it up! They make my weekend.

        • Lucy
          Author
          12th February 2019 / 11:58 pm

          Also thank you to CKav and Non. Yes it was an amazing response wasn’t it?! As I’ve said before, the pain I feel is not actually Charlie’s fault, however. He was honest with me, and I chose to go ahead anyway. If I then find it hurts, he’s not to blame. What else was he supposed to have done?
          I can see why you think I have low self-worth, but personally I disagree. It’s easy to conclude that if you haven’t been single as long as I have. If you have, you’ll know how tough it is to navigate the dating world, dating apps, being single. I’m looking for a man who meets a very high set of standards, standards I personally believe I meet myself: intelligent, successful, charismatic, attractive, educated, youthful, financially secure, tall etc… and I’m not willing to settle for less. But that does mean it’s very hard for me to meet people, because guys who fit those criteria are usually already taken. So should I be single and celibate indefinitely? Well I’m not prepared to do that. So if someone like Charlie comes along, well why not enjoy his company while continuing to wait for Mr Right?
          Thank you both for reading and commenting, it honestly means the world to me that you care!

          • ckav86
            13th February 2019 / 6:17 am

            I didn’t say you have low self worth? Are you conflating the responses, maybe? I’m in the same boat in terms of singledom and agreed with the “apps are futile “ comment but I’m not sure where I said you have low self worth

        • Bumblebees
          17th February 2019 / 9:54 pm

          I do agree – I feel Lucy knows her self worth but I wonder if sometimes, and maybe depending on the relationship or recent experience or the lack of options if lowers her self worth – it’s so difficult – I get it completely Lucy – I married someone during the low self worth point and luckily got myself out of it.

          I do hear you about being chronically alone and human contact/connection but we can get our love from friends, family, pets, things we love doing/hobbies – we can really fill our souls with these.

          I urge you to read Brian nox – check out amazon – he changed my life with his simple short books, start with ‘she comes first’. They are so simple to read – I wish I read it in my teens!

          Maybe it’s my profession or just the fact that I made This self discovery but I hope you read this and it help you as much as it helped me!

    • 12th February 2019 / 11:48 pm

      Crikey, Bumblebees! What an epic reply! Firstly, thank you for reading, for caring, and for taking the time to write such a thoughtful comment. It really is very much appreciated.
      I do have to disagree with you on one point, though. You say ‘The only way to be unhappy is to waste time with the wrong person.’ I don’t know if you are single or not, but one thing I have noticed when talking to my coupled-up friend is that none of them have even the slightest notion of how soul-destroying being long-term single can be. The endless headaches and heartaches of dating apps. Going through life alone. Having no one on your team, having to make decisions and face challenges by yourself. What I think people are missing from all of these comments is that for all that Charlie may be be getting what he wants, I am getting something too, something that I haven’t had in a fuck of a long time: meaningful physical human contact. Affection. Attention. It’s all very well to say ‘bin him and find someone who deserves you’ but I’ve been searching for the last four years straight (and for most of my life before that) and I’m exhausted. So now I’m enjoying the company of a guy who lights a spark in me, and who might not be Mr Right, but could well be Mr Right Now. And what’s wrong with that?
      Oh, and FTR, it turns out Beardy Al was not all he seemed to be. But I can say no more as he might be reading.

      • ckav86
        13th February 2019 / 6:20 am

        Ok, now I really want to know about Beardy Al!!!!!

  14. 11th February 2019 / 7:46 pm

    Regardless of whether he is living with her, engaged or married to this woman, he is not available. Your lady parts are in lust with this douche bag, not your heart. He is a player and charms his way in because he knows what works. Maybe you originally thought he would eventually choose you over this other girl and that is why this proposal has come as a shock??? Do you really think you would ever be able to have a real relationship with DB and actually trust him?? It’s time to move on and chalk this up as a learning experience. You need a man not a bullshitter. NEXT! hugs xo <3

    • Lucy
      Author
      13th February 2019 / 12:01 am

      Thanks Susan! But no, I never thought he would choose me over his GF. Why would he when he already gets the best of both worlds? And even if he did, I’d never be able to trust him. How could I be in a relationship with someone who I knew could never be happy with just one person? It’s too much pressure!
      He might be a player, but he’s not a bullshitter. He told me his situation, and I knew I would end up getting hurt. I’m lucky I was only mildly bruised. It could have been a lot worse.

  15. ckav86
    11th February 2019 / 10:30 pm

    I’m so sorry. Your pain is palpable. I wish I could take you for a glass of wine and we could find some hot men to flirt with.
    I think everyone above has focused on a common theme: this is not a nice human being and you really need to be away from him, his serial shagger lifestyle and his undoubted cruelty and narcissism. Arch manipulator and man, have you been manipulated.
    I’m really sorry you are going through this. Hugs and solidarity. X

    • Lucy
      Author
      13th February 2019 / 12:06 am

      Thanks lovely. Wine and flirting sounds great! But as for Charlie, as I’ve said before, for all his faults I really don’t think he is a bad person. He’s just someone who has made a lifestyle choice which many of us don’t agree with. And we can judge him for that, and lament the state of the world we have come to live in, where people can now sleep with whoever they want and call it a lifestyle choice, but at the end of the day that’s his choice, and he was honest about it. I didn’t have to go on all those dates with him, but I did, because I am attracted to him and I wanted to and none of the men I come across on dating apps are even half the man he is. And don’t forget I had fun! So it’s really not all that bad! His only real fault is not being single and monogamous, and fuck how I wish he were, but he’s not. He never lied about that though.

  16. Anonymous
    17th February 2019 / 10:14 pm

    Same old, same. Woe is me, I can’t find anyone, everyone I meet is already with someone. All the guys who are already taken tell me I am amazing. Rinse and repeat!

    • Lucy
      Author
      17th February 2019 / 11:41 pm

      Hello Anonymous person, I wonder why you bother to read, if you clearly dislike my blog so much?

  17. Nicole
    25th March 2019 / 12:04 am

    This made feel me sad. Not in a pitiful way, but as in I know what it’s like to get your feelings crushed way. We’ve all been there one way or another and I can definitely relate. I obviously haven’t read up to the latest part of the story, but I just wanted to tell you that I love your writing and so far it made me laugh and cry and everything in between and I admire how you’re handling things.
    ALSO where can get I get a Lily? She seems an awesome friend to have!

    • Lucy
      Author
      25th March 2019 / 8:43 pm

      Thanks Nicole, that’s so kind of you to say!
      And I’m afraid Lily is one of a kind. But I’m sure you can find your own version 🙂

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