Now that Lucy’s finally ended things with Charlie and resigned herself to a life of celibacy, she has a problem.
She may well be happy to have finally escaped the headfuckery of dating a non-monogamous man, but in the process she’s also had to give up the really excellent weekly shagathons. Which is fucking miserable. Because a girl’s got NEEDS, y’know?
And while Lucy knows that in theory she could probably put a slutty photo on Tinder and be inundated with hookup requests, the idea makes her feel more nauseous than the time she got food poisoning on Christmas Day. So no. Dating is dead, and casual sex is out of the question. The only solution is to renounce men entirely and get a good vibrator.
Trouble is, Lucy’s sex toy experience is close to zero. In about 2006, during one of her many endless dry spells, she did once bravely walk into Ann Summers and buy the first thing she saw – a pink Rampant Rabbit – but it never really did it for her. It’s too rubbery, too grindy, and makes a noise like a Kitchen Aid kneading sourdough.
But it didn’t matter anyway, because Lucy always found that after a few weeks of no sex her drive just sort of shut itself down, like her body realises that it ain’t gonna happen so there’s no point in even asking, so the toys turned out to be surplus to requirements.
But that was then, and this is now. Today, more than a decade later, she’s apparently in her sexual prime, her sexual clock is clanging wildly, and her year-long shagathon with her human Duracell Bunny has awakened in her all sorts of demands that need to be met.
And now there are all sorts of new toys on the market, ones that are actually well-designed, made of new materials, that look and feel great, and that might actually be so effective her body won’t even notice the lack of an actual man. But which should she buy? There are so many to choose from Lucy doesn’t even know where to begin!
When she throws the question open to Twitter, her followers reply with loads of helpful suggestions. But even better than that, two of the country’s top toy manufacturers generously promise to send her something to try. She won’t even have to make a decision! Which is fucking great, because Lucy hates making decisions.
A week later, two parcels arrive. Giddy with excitement and full of raging horn, Lucy rushes to open them. Inside she finds:
Lucy definitely doesn’t need five vibrators, so she decides to try four, and save one for a GIVEAWAY (hurrah!). If you want to know more about that, scroll to the bottom.
The toys arrive on a Friday, and Lucy’s been working from home. But it’s now 5 pm, so she figures she can legitimately knock off and do a different kind of research instead.
Since she’s pretty new to sex toys of any kind, she figures it’s probably best to start small and work her way up. First: The Pro.
The Satisfyer Pro 2
The Satisfyer Pro 2 is not like your typical vibrator. Gone is the traditional penis shape; the buzzing shaft. Instead, when Lucy opens the box she finds an object about the size of a TV remote, with a sleek, curved pink handle, and a circular white nozzle about the diameter of a 5 pence piece. It has three buttons – one for on/off and two to increase or decrease the intensity. To her untrained eye it doesn’t actually look like a sex toy at all, which is just as well because at some point she’s definitely going to leave it on the side when the cleaner comes round (horrors!).
Unlike practically every sex toy ever created, this one is not designed to mimic a penis. In fact, penetration isn’t an option. Instead, you hold the nozzle over your clit, and it fires pulses of compressed air with a sort of sucking-blowing sensation that’s supposed to be much more sympathetic to the female anatomy than the motorised action of a regular vibrator.
After six weeks without sex Lucy’s gagging to give it a go, and so once she’s waited two frustrated hours for the damn thing to charge, she hops on the bed, applies it to the right spot and lets it get to work.
At first she struggles. It’s hard to pick the right setting – the lowest two are a bit too weedy, but the one up from that is a bit too much. Lucy has no idea who could possibly bear to go all the way up to 11 – which would probably feel like being thrust into a washing machine on a 1600 spin cycle. In the end she settles for level three and then aims it slightly off-centre to reduce the intensity, which does start to feel extremely pleasing – not, in fact, dissimilar to being enthusiastically attended to by a cunning linguist.
It’s also very effective, and by means of a combination of level three plus a hot fantasy about Charlie urgently pulling up her dress and fucking her against the kitchen counter, she reaches an extremely enjoyable conclusion in no time.
But as much as she likes the Pro, there’s something missing. Because even though, like many women, Lucy can’t come through penetration, still it’s one of her favourite things about actual sex. The Pro is very efficient, but without the feeling of being filled up, it’s rather an empty victory – literally.
The Satisfyer Pro G-Spot Rabbit
The solution may come in the form of the G-Spot Rabbit. Just like the Pro 2, it has the same air pulsy bit on the front, but with the addition of a shaft. Clit stimulation AND penetration all in one. Sounds like it could be just the thing.
As a total amateur Lucy has absolutely no idea where her G-spot is, or if she even has one, but she’s hopeful that if she’s ever going to find it, this could be the way.
So, a couple of days later when she’s feeling ready for another go, she takes the G-Spot Rabbit out of the box. It’s white, made of a smooth and silky silicone that feels soft yet firm to the touch and gives a little when she presses it. It’s certainly way better than the sticky rubbery surface of her ancient Ann Summers version. Comparing them side-by-side, it’s clear just how far sex toy design has come in the last 10 years.
Though she’s interested to note that they are pretty much exactly the same dimensions, so maybe things haven’t changed all that much.
It does, however, look a fair bit smaller than most of the penises she’s been acquainted with recently. Will that matter, she wonders? Maybe not, given that unlike all those penises, this one will give her head AND fuck her at the same time. What joy!
Experimentally, she tries the buttons. There are three: two for raising and lowering the power of the air pressure bit at the front, and another for turning on and then cycling through the vibrations of the shaft. She dials through the different modes – there are a fuck of a lot! – and the ones towards the top end of the spectrum do appear to be faintly alarming. Maybe those are ones you have to work up to, she thinks.
She settles on the bed to give it a go. The question is, do you turn it on first and then insert, or vice versa? And if you need a bit of warming up before it’ll go in, how exactly do you do that? It all seems a bit complicated because you can’t use the sucky/blowy front bit on its own – the shaft gets in the way. She solves the problem eventually by applying a bit of lube and using the tip of the shaft to get going before eventually fitting the entire thing into place.
Things improve once it’s in. Now she can use the ‘ears’ of the bunny on her clit, with the ‘body’ inserted, and it feels very comfortable. She cycles through the different settings, trying to work out which combination of vibrations and air pulses she likes best. At this point it all starts to feel a bit scientific and experimental, which is interesting but hardly sexy. For someone who needs to get into her own head with a nice fantasy the levels of concentration required to figure this device out are too distracting. Clearly it’s the sort of thing that’s going to require some practice to get right. Oh well, she thinks, it’s a tough job, but someone’s gotta do it.
She dials up through the different modes. The very lowest feels like she’s being gently tickled by the breeze from an electric fan; the highest more like she’s galloping over cobbles in a horse-drawn carriage. In a good way. But still, it’s all a bit confusing, and hard to get right.
Eventually she settles on level two on the air pulse, and somewhere in the middle of the vibration settings – an intermittent mode that starts off soft and builds to a crescendo, and then stops and repeats. Then she settles back and thinks about one of her favourite recent times with Charlie – when he held her tight and fucked her with desperate intensity on the living room sofa – until the rabbit does its glorious thing.
But although the rabbit is certainly a lot of fun, Lucy’s left feeling a touch underwhelmed. She’s pretty sure she still hasn’t found that elusive G-spot. And the orgasms she had when the fantasy was reality were definitely more intense. Could it be that she wasn’t warmed up enough? Is it that without everything else that goes with real sex – the kissing the touching, the emotion – a machine will never be able to compete? Or is it just that she needs more practice?
There’s only one way to find out, and Lucy’s looking forward to trying.
The Lelo Soraya
Still on the hunt for her missing G-spot, Lucy’s keen to try the Soraya. Lelo brand themselves as the luxury end of the market, with prices to match. The toy Lucy has retails at about £150, almost three times the price of the Satisfyer! Will it be three times as good? she wonders.
It certainly looks expensive – made of eye-catching pink silicone with a stylish chrome trim, this is the Rolls Royce of sex toys. Just like the other rabbits it has a ‘body’ and ‘ears’ – but the ‘body’ looks a fair bit slimmer than the others, and the ‘ear’ bit is the traditional vibrating kind rather than the air blower of the Satisfyer. She presses against it and it bends back with a pleasing firmness. But while the toy is nice to look at, do appearances really matter when no one else is going to see it?
By this point it’s been about seven weeks since Lucy last had actual sex with a real live man, so she’s definitely in need of some attention. Hopefully the Soraya will go to some way to soothing the itch.
Having learned from her experience with the Satisfyer, she starts the vibrations on a low setting, applies lube to the tip, and then uses it to get the show started before gently fitting the entire toy into place.
The Soraya has three buttons – one to cycle through the different vibrating motions, and two to increase and decrease the intensity. Just as before, Lucy begins cycling through the options, trying to work out which she likes best. As a beginner it’s all a bit confusing, and she spends a rather lengthy amount of time randomly pressing buttons trying to figure out which does what and what setting works for her. Just as before, it’s clear this toy is one that’s going to require a bit more experimentation before she has it all figured out.
What she does find, however, is that she much prefers the firm vibrations of the rabbit ears on the Soraya to the air pulses of the Satisfyer. It’s probably just personal preference, but for Lucy it’s far easier to hit the right spot with the generous surface area of the Soraya’s bunny ears, than with the much smaller nozzle of the Satisfyer.
And once she’s found a vibration setting that doesn’t feel like a jet engine taking off, and can comfortably settle back into another favourite fantasy, there’s no doubt the sleek Soraya is very effective indeed.
But in spite of this, there are still no G-spot revelations. The search continues.
The Satisfyer Master
Much as Lucy enjoys both the Satisfyer G-Spot Rabbit and the Lelo Soraya, she does feel that there might still be something missing. First of all, she finds the combination of shaft and ears, with all their different settings, rather complicated, and she wonders if something simpler wouldn’t be better.
Secondly, and at the risk of sounding a little sizeist, the shaft of both toys is just a bit… disappointing. After falling hard for Charlie’s delicious girthiness, the slim fit of the Soraya and the short stature of the G-Spot Rabbit leave just a little to be desired. She wonders if she might not need something just a touch more generous to really fill the void created by her new-found celibacy.
The solution might just come in the form of Satisfyer’s biggest vibrator yet, the enticingly-named Master. This stallion of a toy is nearly 7 inches of no-nonsense, pure, unashamed vibrating pleasure, and almost 2 inches in diameter. When Lucy takes it out of the box it’s clear this is not a toy that’s embarrassed about what it has to offer. It’s shaped like a real cock, pink like a real cock, hard yet smooth like a cock that’s very happy to see you – in short, it’s basically a straight up penis stand-in for someone who loves the things and needs a temporary substitute.
It’s also not quite as terrifyingly big as Lucy feared. Generous, yes, but not stupid. More confident boyfriend than freak-show porn star. In other words, about as big as the biggest Lucy’s ever seen before IRL, so she knows she’ll be able to handle it just fine.
The Master has three buttons – one to turn the toy on, and then two to cycle up and down through the different modes. There are 12 in total, a variety of stronger or more gentle vibrations in different wave patterns, and with only one vibrating section it’s quieter than either of the rabbits.
It is pretty big though – she’s definitely going to need warming up for this. So she applies lube to the tip and uses the toy on the lowest setting to gently massage her clit. Just doing this on its own actually feels pretty great, and it’s much easier to do when there isn’t a ‘bunny ear’ section getting in the way. Lucy finds she could actually just happily continue like this, but that’s not the point. She needs to try the full experience.
And so, gingerly, she tries to insert it. Even with the warm up and lube it isn’t easy – but by going gently, a little at a time, she gradually opens up to it until the Master’s entire shaft is comfortably accommodated. And the sensation of being properly filled up is, as expected, very delicious indeed.
She cycles through the different modes, trying to find the best one – though this is a somewhat bizarre sensation for someone who’s never used a vibrator like this before. After all, real penises don’t buzz and send rumbly vibrations rattling through your pelvic bone like an 18-wheeler passing down a residential street.
And while it obviously lacks the number one advantage of a real penis – the fact that there’s no sexy man attached to it – the Master is better in several respects. Firstly, it won’t fuck other women, ghost her, or fart in bed. And secondly, Lucy is able to angle it just right, so that she gets pressure on her clit AND the excellent enjoyment of being filled up with 7 inches of girthly pleasure. Which is pretty damn nice, to say the least.
But excellent though it is, after she’s done she discovers a problem she hadn’t anticipated.
After sex, a real penis normally shrinks back down to its normal size, making it easy to withdraw. But the Master, well, that doesn’t. It remains as thick and firm as ever. Which is kind of a problem. Because of course when a woman comes, her vagina swells and contracts.
So now Lucy finds herself rather alarmingly attached to the toy, and not in the way she’d imagined.
She gives it a gentle tug, but her body seems determined to hold onto it as firmly as possible. Tugging a little harder gains her a centimetre or two, but she’s scared to pull too much in case she causes internal injuries.
With alarming visions of having to waddle into A&E and have the thing removed, Lucy thinks relaxing thoughts and continues to pull, a little at a time, until much to her relief the toy comes free.
So here’s a bit of advice – if you’re going to buy one of these, and particularly if you know your anatomy is perhaps on the tighter end of the scale, make sure you use lots of lube!
So what did Lucy make of her sex toy adventure? Having tried them all, here are the results!
- Scary moments notwithstanding, she likes the Master best. She’s happy to learn that a pretty average 6 or so inches is more than enough for her, but it has made her a little worried the toy may ruin her for smaller or slimmer men.
- Second favourite is the Soraya – but at £150 it’s quite an investment!
- All the toys require a bit of experimentation with settings to get right – but Lucy’s looking forward to finding out what else they can do.
- They’re also all waterproof, meaning that Lucy is probably going to discover a newfound interest in taking long relaxing baths.
- She still has absolutely no fucking clue where her G-spot is, and the search for someone to help her find it (or prove it exists) continues.
- Having a small assortment of fun toys is definitely helping her deal with the absence of that person.
- She just needs to remember to put them all away before any visitors come round!
Lucy’s Sex Toy Twitter Giveaway!
The very generous team at Satisfyer were kind enough to send Lucy a wonderful FOUR toys – the three above, and a fourth: the Satisfyer Pro Penguin.
Lucy definitely doesn’t need so many toys so she’s giving this one away (to UK residents only, sorry everyone else!).
If you’d like to win it, here’s what you need to do.
- Subscribe to this blog by email. Click here to enter your email address. You’ll get an update every time a new post goes life, plus maybe the occasional other interesting tidbit. You can unsubscribe any time.
- Go to Twitter and follow @lucygoesdating.
- Find the competition tweet pinned to the top of Lucy’s page. Retweet it.
- Finally, comment below the competition tweet using the hashtag #sexypenguintoy
Closing date is Saturday 24th August 2019, at 6 pm.
- The prize is a Satisfyer Pro Penguin worth £44.95, there is no cash alternative.
- To enter, you must complete all four stages: subscribe by email, retweet the competition tweet, comment on the tweet using #sexypenguintoy and follow @lucygoesdating on Twitter.
- Competition is open from 9 am (UK time) on 17th August 2019 until 6 pm on 24th August 2019.
- All entrants must be over 18.
- Winner will be chosen by random draw after closing time, and notified via Twitter DM. If the winner does not claim their prize within 5 days a new winner will be redrawn.
- By entering you confirm you’re happy that, if you win, Lucy will contact you and to collect your address in order to send your prize.
- Since Lucy is paying for postage, sadly delivery can be to a UK address only. Sorry everyone else!
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