This is the second part of my round up of the best questions from my brief adventure into the murky world of the Curious Cat anonymous questions site.
If you missed the first part, hope on over to last week’s post for a quick catch-up.
Otherwise, here are a few more on non-monogamous Charlie, sex and dating.
Do you feel ashamed of the way you wrote about Charlie and non-monogamy? What would you do if he or his girlfriend found out about the way you wrote about their life?
Not at all. I don’t mention this in the posts but I told Charlie about the blog fairly early on, for two reasons: (1) because there’s no way I could be in a relationship with someone for over a year and keep it a secret! And (2) because I always felt I could be completely honest with him. I had nothing to lose by telling him: if he didn’t like it and dumped me, that would have been for the best in the end. But he didn’t, and has been 100% supportive of my writing. He also proofread every post before publishing. Since he has no secrets from his wife, she also knows and I assume has read it. So no, I don’t feel ashamed, because I was writing my true and genuine feelings, and my goal is always to be as honest and authentic as possible and share my real experiences. And because everything I wrote was signed off by Charlie, and if he didn’t object, then that’s all that matters as far as I’m concerned.
Have you spoken to Charlie again? Have you seen him?
Yes, we still talk on WhatsApp and have met up fairly regularly.
Was Charlie really that good in bed or was some of it exaggeration for your blog? What made the sex with him so good?
Being good in bed is obviously a subjective thing, but yes I’d say he was excellent for me. Mainly because physically we are a great match – the shape and size of our bodies just works really well together. He was always hugely enthusiastic, like he literally couldn’t get enough of me – he was 100% present in the room which made me feel wanted and super sexy. I loved how he (gently but firmly) dominated me and used me for his pleasure. And he’s genuinely enthusiastic and excellent at giving head, which is one of my favourite things.
What do your friends think of Charlie? Do they think he’s a good guy or a very manipulative gas-lighting liar?
In my view the people who think Charlie is a manipulative liar are simply those who don’t approve of his choice of lifestyle. Because as far as I’m concerned, while his lifestyle might not be for me, he was always honest about it and very clear about what he could and could not give me. The difference between Charlie and many men is that he’s not afraid to ask for what he wants – and obviously if you ask enough, sometimes you’ll end up getting it! That doesn’t make him manipulative, or a liar, no matter what you may think of his lifestyle choices.
Fortunately, my three friends who did meet him thought he was very charming in person. But no, in general I’m afraid people didn’t approve. Not because they think he’s a manipulative liar, but simply because most of them are in traditional monogamous relationships so it’s not surprising that they find his lifestyle challenging. And because they could see that I found aspects of our relationship extremely difficult and they didn’t like seeing me upset.
How has your brush with polyamory changed your view of that lifestyle?
I’m not sure it has changed much. Even from the start I always thought it sounded like it made a lot of sense in theory and I tried hard to convince myself that I could do it. When you consider that many relationships end because of cheating or the sex drying up, non-monogamy does seem to be the ideal solution. And given my busy lifestyle and the fact that I’m not fussed about having kids, there’s no logical reason why it shouldn’t work for me. But as much as I tried to convince myself that it made sense, I couldn’t get past the jealousy, or the feeling that I was selling myself short. So it’s not for me long-term, but I wouldn’t rule out doing it again as a short-term fix. And I have no problem with anyone else doing it – if everyone is on board and honest with each other, then each to their own.
What kind of lover are you? What makes for good sex?
I have absolutely no idea – you’d have to ask the men I’ve slept with! But I’d like to think I’m enthusiastic, generally pretty uninhibited (I don’t really have any body hangups) and good fun, and boyfriends haven’t complained, so… As for what makes for good sex, I’d say the same. Obviously the details are down to personal preference, but confidence, enthusiasm, not taking it too seriously, and not being selfish are key. Plus of course you need chemistry. And for me, the best sex is with someone you really trust and care about and have real genuine intimacy with.
Why have you gone so long without sex? Are you a shy good girl at heart?
I find it extremely difficult to meet men. Although I’m outwardly confident in social situations, I am shy with guys until I get to know them. Plus I’m not interested in sex with strangers, so unless I can find someone to have more than a couple of dates with, I struggle. Right now I’ve given up on the dating apps because the endless chats never go anywhere, and although I’m sociable and meet new people all the time, I literally never meet attractive, appropriately-aged single men. When you get to your late 30s / early 40s, it seems all the decent men (and quite a lot of the not-decent ones too!) have settled down.
As for whether or not I’m a ‘good’ girl rather depends on how you define ‘good’ and by whose standards we’re talking! If by ‘good’ you mean not sleeping around a lot (though I have no problem with those who choose to as long as everything is safe and consensual), then yes I suppose I am, because I’m not interested in casual sex or having more than one partner at a time. But obviously compared to people who don’t believe in sex outside committed long-term relationships, I’m outrageous!
What are the three most adventurous/unusual places you’ve had sex?
I really haven’t done it in very many adventurous places to be honest – not nearly as many as I would like, that’s for sure! But my top three (these are pretty much my ONLY three interesting ones actually) are…
On a sun lounger on a beach in Zanzibar
Up against a tree in the New Forest
In a concealed doorway in a side street in Central London, at about 2 am while very drunk.
I’ll leave you to figure out which of the guys mentioned on my post To All The Boys I’ve Shagged Before was involved in which…
How important is penis size for you? I am a guy who is just below average in size and I always have anxiety when I am getting intimate which sometime leads to premature ejaculation. What’s a women’s perspective on this?
I’ll be honest: for me penis size is a factor, but it’s not as important as you fear. I slept with a guy who had what I thought was the perfect penis but he was terrible in bed – so lazy and selfish! And a guy I used to date who had a really small one is now happily married with kids, so clearly his wife doesn’t mind. If you do have a small penis, there’s nothing you can do about that, but you’re definitely not helping the situation by being insecure and self-conscious about it. Instead, focus on all the other things you have to offer. Be a fun and attentive lover and learn to be an enthusiastic giver of head and you’ll be fine. Most women can’t come through penetration anyway.
How many first dates do you think you’ve been on?
Let’s see… I’ve been actively dating since I was 25, so that’s 15 years of dating, and in that time I’ve been single for a total of about 8 years. At an average rate of maybe 15-20 first dates a year (though one year I went on 50 dates with 26 different men), that makes… what… about 150-200?
Do you ever envisage a time when you may compromise on your dislikes e.g beards if you were to meet someone who gave you the certain sparks in all other ways? Great blog by the way
Thank you! But no. My preferences are not arbitrary rules that I’ve made up just for my own amusement. There are just certain things I’m not attracted to, like men who are smaller than me, smoking, long hair, or long or bushy beards. I’m just simply not attracted, so I just wouldn’t feel the spark you describe. And unfortunately I can’t change that.
What’s the youngest age that you would date? I feel like there is a weird negative attitude to women dating younger men?
I think you’re right, though personally I actually prefer to date a slightly younger man. I say 30 as a minimum age on my dating profiles but if I’m honest I think I might struggle with a 10-year age difference. I’d be paranoid about being the older woman, and I’d worry about being at different life stages, maturity, and getting dumped for a younger model when he decides he wants kids. So really I think 35 is probably my limit, though of course ultimately it depends on the person.
Would you agree one of the worst things about single life is the cost, takeaways cost more, holidays cost more, more food spoils.
I never get takeaways unless there is someone to share it with, so that’s not an issue for me, and I only buy exactly the food I need so I waste almost nothing. But yes, the cost of living alone, and holidays, is a big deal.
But for me the expense is not really the worst thing. For me the worst things are the loneliness, not having someone readily on hand to do stuff with or simply just to hang out at home with, and of course the lack of physical human contact.
Have you had any dates with guys from Twitter?
Yes. You can read about it here.
I like your personality and your blog and sometimes I wonder if you are an independent woman, with a nice personality why you are still struggling to find the one, I don’t mean to be rude but I wonder if you are not good looking at all?!
I’m afraid that’s not up to me to say. You can ask the people on Twitter who’ve met me. Put it this way: children don’t run screaming from me in the street and I get plenty of matches on dating apps so I guess I don’t look too terrible, but I have good days and less good days just like everyone else!
Anyway, in case you haven’t noticed, plenty of ugly people find love. If only beautiful people met someone the human race would die out pretty damn fast!
What advice would you give to the incredibly shy people out there that find going out and meeting new people really difficult?
I’d say it’s all about practice. It may feel terrifying but you just have to get out there and give it a go. You’ve met new people before, in work or through friends, so this is really no different. If you try to think of it as a just drink, rather than a date, that takes the pressure off. You’re just there to meet someone and chat, and if that’s all you do it’s a win – any thing else is just a bonus! The first time you go to meet someone you will be incredibly nervous, but once you’ve said hello and had something to drink you’ll wonder what you were so worried about! And you’ll feel so proud of yourself for having done it, and I promise it gets easier!
Do you think social media and dating apps have made it harder to date?
Not for me. People say it’s worse because apps make it seem like there is always someone better just one swipe away, but for me it’s always been hard. I never get asked out IRL or meet men I’m attracted to who are single and interested anyway, so if anything I’d say it’s made it easier because at least it connects you with more guys who are at least potentially interested and available.
To what extent would you try to take on a partner’s/potential partner’s interests if they’re things you’d otherwise have zero interest in?
I guess it would depend what they are. Personally I think it’s fine to have separate interests and time apart. I’d want my own time to pursue my interests, like writing or the gym, so it’d be great if my partner has his own too. I wouldn’t want to be in someone’s pockets 24/7.
If you fancied someone on twitter would you let them know? If ‘yes’ how would you go about it?
I don’t know if I fancy someone until I’ve met them in person, so I’d never fancy someone from Twitter. I might like their wit or personality and be curious to meet them, in which case I’d reply to their tweets and see how they respond. If they seem interested and we become Twitter friends I’d hope they might at some point slide into my DMs, and if they didn’t I’d assume they weren’t interested/single.
Would you consider dating one of your Twitter followers ?
I wouldn’t rule it out, though I think it would be tricky. They already know far too much about me! People will have formed their own impression of me that will be so far from reality they’ll invariably end up disappointed. Plus in my experience most of the people who have asked to meet me haven’t really be interested in me in that way, they’ve just been curious to see what I look like. I’ve had bad experiences of revealing personal information about myself only to then get ghosted, so I’d be very cautious about doing so again.
What would your perfect date be? Do you only allow one date to find a “spark”
A perfect date would probably be about date 6 or 7, when things are all still new and exciting but the nerves and awkwardness has gone. Probably some sort of afternoon activity, followed by cocktails and dinner, followed by hot sex.
If you read this blog much you’ll know I often try a second or even third date in the hope that a spark will develop, but it never does. So while I will probably keep trying, I think actually if it’s not there from the first date, it won’t ever appear.
Thanks for reading!
I will be taking an extended break over Christmas, so that’s all for 2019! Hopefully I’ll be back with more dating dales in 2020.
In the meantime, have you read all the other stories on the blog yet? There’s plenty here to keep you going if you haven’t.
Happy Christmas and New Year everyone, and see in 2020!