Dating apps are shit. Everyone knows it. Hours of swiping on lazy, grotesque or illiterate profiles that make you despair for the future of the human race. Timewasting fucks who match and then never message. Endless tedious chat with boring weirdos who don’t know how to hold a conversation or send strings of suggestive emojis or immediately ask you to come over for sex.
No one likes dating apps. No one. We only keep going, relentlessly turning the hideous hamster wheel, because there seems to be no fucking alternative. It’s hold your nose and jump in, or accept that you’re going to be alone until you die. Oh good. Excellent. Nice choices.
But maybe there is an alternative: Twitter. After all, if dating apps are a way to meet people, and Twitter is also a way to meet people, why not try to meet people on Twitter for dating?
Why not indeed…
Why Twitter is a great alternative to using a dating site
Twitter is actually a fantastic way to meet people. Removed from the instant judgement of dating apps, Twitter allows you to connect with like-minded people and actually get to know them without having your opinions coloured by superficial things like age, looks, or whether they keep jam in the fridge. Real, genuine connections can be formed gradually, over time, almost as they used to in the days before the internet (remember those, kids?).
You can find people who are into the same weird shit as you. You can vibe with someone’s sense of humour or a shared love of cat memes, grammar, or 1980s cartoons. You can see how they treat others, or scroll through their old tweets to make sure they’re not a racist or a misogynist or serial reply guy or an Arsenal supporter. All of these are traits that are far more important than whether someone is 6’2 and looks good in a bathroom mirror selfie, and far more likely to lead to a successful relationship
There’s less pressure, too. You don’t have to reply in 24 hours, like on Bumble, or decide immediately if you fancy the person. You can get to know someone organically, in a friendly way, just as you would if they were a colleague or a neighbour.
Little wonder then that Twitter is full of dating success stories, including numerous Twitter marriages and babies. Even total dating failure Lucy has managed to have a handful of not-too-terrible dates with men from Twitter, and even got some actual sex with one of them, so it works!
A Twitter dating success story
A Twitter follower, @boys_ian, got in touch to share his story. He met his girlfriend on Twitter after Lucy tweeted encouraging her single followers to get in touch with one another.
We met in your pre-Christmas match-maker post after I noticed there were so many southerners among the early replies. I was the first northerner to respond and V saw that and tagged me in from the Midlands. Even though she was a little far away, I responded with the offer of a coffee and we exchanged a few messages. Later several northerners, including some close by, also posted but by that time I’d made the offer to meet and I never talk to more than one person at once so luckily it turned out that V was amazing! We first spoke on the phone that evening and for the next 12 days until we met in a pub just before New Year, which turned into an eight hour date and meant that we’ve now been dating in two decades. One surprise was that with Twitter being so text based, she was younger than I had imagined and 16 years younger than me. As it turns out, that still makes her the mature and sensible one so it hasn’t been an issue at all. We are now eight dates in, and having the best time. We’ve celebrated her birthday, met each other’s families, cook and walk together and support each other as best we can. She makes me feel cared for and loved in a way I haven’t felt for 20+ years and I hope she feels the same.
So it can work. At least, for some…
Why dating on Twitter is a really bad idea
But before you rush off to start DM-ing your Twitter Crush, a word of caution. Because for every tale of Twitter dating success, there’s another, darker one. A tale of Twitter heartbreak. Of Twitter backstabbing. Of men (don’t @ me, it’s always men) who slide into a girl’s DM’s, flirt, pay compliments, shag her and then move onto the next one. Of guys who pretend to be nice, tweet heartwarming tales and dog videos, trick a girl into thinking she’s found herself a nice, decent bloke, all the while doing the same thing with half a dozen other women.
Because of course the fuckboys are everywhere, and instead of staying on Tinder where they fucking belong, they’re bringing their fuckboyery to Twitter. So be careful. That handsome chap who’s making cute comments in your DMs? You may well not be the only one he’s messaging.
A tale as old as time
That’s exactly what happened to another follower, let’s call her Hannah:
“Enjoy Berlin” as DM sliders go, it didn’t set off any alarm bells or red flags. I’d written a tweet about going to Berlin for my birthday. I replied saying I’d just landed and he joked about having warned border control about me and so it began.
T told me that he worked away from home during the week but shared a house in Devon with his ex-wife at the weekends, they were separated and dated other people but he visited at the weekends to see his son.
It was simple stuff like that made me fall for him. He was generous, caring, easy going. I was sickeningly happy.
Soon we were 5 months into the relationship. We were saying “I love you”, I met his son; we were talking about a future in which we’d live together in Devon.
Then one evening it all changed. He mentioned that his wife was going to be away, and that he needed to stay in Devon looking after his son. “Obviously you’ll be welcome in the house during the day but you’ll have to stay at the Travelodge.”
The conversation niggled me and the more I thought about it: being “welcome during the day” but being booted out at night it just didn’t sit right. I questioned him about it via text, and instead of explaining, he immediately blocked me and deleted his Twitter account.
I was stunned. I just couldn’t believe that his feelings could change so quickly. I posted on twitter about having a broken heart.
I got a DM telling me I was too good for him “he’s a c***”
Obviously I messaged her back and asked why she thought that. “Because he arranged to meet me in a hotel behind your back.”
Then two more women got in touch saying he’d done to them what he did to me. We all overlapped each other. I know there are more too.
He never did reactivate his main Twitter account but he has another. He’ll still be out there, watching my account and no doubt still messaging women.
Sadly stories like Hannah’s are all too common. If you’ve been around Twitter any length of time, you’ll probably have come across them yourself: the charming guy who pretends to be all woke and feminist, but turns out to have a wife and kids at home while shagging multiple Twitter followers. The one who attracts women with his vulnerability and apparent honesty, but in reality is texting one woman while in bed with another. Little wonder then that trust in the dating sphere, and especially on Twitter, is at an all-time low.
The risks of dating on Twitter
And even if you manage to avoid the serial shaggers and the liars, dating on Twitter is full of pitfalls. Everything you say is public, which means your innocent flirting with a friend could be misinterpreted by your new squeeze. You can’t always tell where someone is, so you could discover your new Twitter Crush lives hundreds or even thousands of miles away. And if you date someone and it doesn’t work out, they’ll still be there in your face, tweeting things that may upset you, or throwing a wobbly at the sight of you flirting with someone new.
If apps were real life, Tinder would be a singles night in a dark, sticky-floored nightclub. Everyone there is looking to meet someone, no one knows anyone, and everyone is up for some level of, well, something. You can approach a dozen people, or a hundred, you can shag as many of them as you can get your grubby hands on, and no one will ever know. And if it doesn’t work out, you can go back next week and all the faces will have changed.
But Twitter? Twitter is NOT like this at all. Twitter is your local pub. Some people are just there to chat with their friends. Many are married. Some just want to sit quietly and read the paper. Lots of them know each other and THEY TALK. So if you march up to a pretty girl and proposition her, she may slap you and tell you to fuck off. If you shag one girl, and then next week you shag a different one, they WILL find out, and they WILL be upset, and pretty soon you’re gonna get yourself barred. And if you do date someone, and it doesn’t work out, you’ll still have to see them and their friends around whenever you pop in for a quick pint. You may even have to see them flirting with their new squeeze. And that ain’t gonna be fun.
The people who fail when trying to date on Twitter; the ones who fuck it up for both themselves AND everyone else, are the ones who can’t see the distinction.
Still thinking about trying to get a date on Twitter? Here are my top Dos and Don’ts.
How to use Twitter for dating: some Dos and Don’ts
- Absolutely DON’T use Twitter as if it’s Tinder. A scattergun approach, sliding into a dozen DMs, is a recipe for disaster. ONE PERSON AT A TIME.
- DO be honest about who you are and what you’re looking for. If you’re married, don’t pretend you’re not. You WILL get found out and you will hurt a lot of people along the way. Don’t be that arsehole.
- If you’re just looking for a shag, that’s OK, but you’re probably better off sticking to Tinder. If you must use Twitter, definitely DON’T pretend you’re interested in a relationship if you’re not.
- It’s not 100% necessary, but you will have more success if you DO use a recent photo of yourself as your avi, and if you DON’T have a string of numbers after your handle. They make you look like a bot.
- DO NOT slide into someone’s DMs if you’ve never interacted before. Most women are so bruised and battered by arseholes on the internet ruining everything with their dick pics and their creepiness that they don’t welcome DMs from anyone, let alone some random stranger who just pops up randomly and says ‘hey’.
- Definitely DON’T DM some tedious 2-sentence small talk that could just as easily be said in a tweet. If you’re going to DM, make it chatty, personalised, and relevant.
- DO NOT DM PICTURES OF YOUR PENIS. I’ll repeat that for the slow people at the back. DO NOT SEND DICK PICS.
- DO NOT pick your person for some fuckboy reason, for example if they tweet about sex or post a selfie with cleavage showing. Being interested in sex and tweeting about it does NOT MEAN the person is up for shagging anyone and everyone. Likewise, posting a pretty selfie is NOT an invitation for you to slide into someone’s DM’s if you’ve never interacted before.
- DO get chatting to someone you genuinely like. Dating on Twitter only works if you actually like the person, have some sort of shared connection, and are genuinely interested in them. If you’re just going to pounce on women who look like they might be ‘up for it’, fuck off back to Tinder where you belong.
- DO chat on the timeline first. THEN, if you’re getting along well, you may slide into the DMs with a relevant, polite message. Asking for permission first is not a bad idea, just to be on the safe side.
- If you’re a woman, DO be bold and make the first move. A lot of nice guys are afraid to because they don’t want to be accused of being typical dickhead sliders. So give them some encouragement!
- If you meet someone, and you’re getting on well, DO NOT start flirting with other people on Twitter at the same time. The person you’re dating WILL find out, and unless you’ve agreed to an open relationship, they will be upset.
- If the relationship doesn’t work out, DO be considerate to the other person’s feelings. They’ll still be able to see all your tweets, so be kind.
- DO try to avoid subtweeting and stirring up drama. If the relationship ended badly, it’s better to just block and move on. Unless you know the person is being a Twitter predator, in which case, feel free to warn people!
- Remember the golden rule. Do NOT do or say anything on Twitter that you wouldn’t do or say in your local pub.
How to use Twitter for dating if you’re a cunty fuckboy
Don’t. Fuck off back to Tinder where you belong and stop ruining it for everyone.
Hope you’ve found these tips helpful. If you have a story of Twitter dating success or a dating disaster, do feel free to share it in the comments below!
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