Last week’s post catalogued some of the reasons why the current lockdown situation is a fucking piece of shit if you’re single, and particularly if you live alone. If you missed it and you’re flying solo, you probably already knew that, but if you want to catch up, it’s over here.
But it’s not all doom and gloom. Although being trapped at home with no human contact can be really tough at times, there are actually a lot of things to love about lockdown as a team of one.
Here, in no particular order, are Lucy’s top ten.
1/ You don’t have to make an effort with your appearance
As a solo traveller, and particularly as a woman, Lucy’s under a lot of pressure to look good ALL the fucking time. Expensive haircut, glossy nails, classy outfits, gym-toned body, waxed lady parts, even her fucking eyebrows have to be more groomed than a Grand National winner on race day. After all, she never knows when she might meet someone, right? Lucy can’t let standards slip for even a second, because the day she leaves home with skanky hair and a bikini line like King Kong’s back is the day the hottie from upstairs might finally ask her if she’d like a drink after work.
But under lockdown, all that pressure is miraculously lifted. With no one around to see, Lucy’s free to let standards slide quicker than a Twitter perv on #SelfieSunday. Now she gets a delicious extra hour’s sleep every day because she doesn’t need to put a face on or get dressed. She can go unwashed for days, because there’s no one around to complain about the smell. She can cultivate her body hair until it’s as luxurious as a mink coat, because there’s absolutely zero chance anyone is going to ask her to take her knickers off. Better enjoy it while it lasts, she thinks, because when lockdown finally ends she’s not sure she’s going to be able to remember how to do up a bra.
2/ You don’t have to cook and clean
Lucy’s always believed that you should pay experts to do the jobs you’re not qualified to do yourself, and that includes cleaning. Lucy hates cleaning, she’s shit at it, and frankly she’d rather spend her precious time doing more amusing things, like watching documentaries about the Nazis or arranging all the buttons in her ‘spare buttons’ tin in size order. So every fortnight a lovely lady comes round and does it for her, and it’s the best £15 a week she spends.
Under lockdown, of course, the cleaner can’t come, and Lucy’s paying £15 a week for the privilege of being able to leave her vibrator on the side of the bath without fear of anyone seeing it. But is she actually going to clean? Fuck no. With no one else around to see, why bother? There’s only one of her, and she’s a clean and tidy girl – how much mess can one person make anyway? Hopefully lockdown will end before weeds start growing up through the floorboards and the spiders start writing SOS messages in their webs.
Same goes for cooking. Deprived of nice restaurants and easy access to Marks & Spencer’s Dine In deals, Lucy’s suddenly finding herself having to come up with actual meals for one. But she’ll be damned if she’s going to start baking banana bread and cultivating a sourdough starter like some kind of hipster cunt. Why bother if there’s only one of her? The beauty of being alone is that you can eat Cadbury’s creme eggs for breakfast and toast and jam for dinner, and no one need ever know.
3/ You can do whatever you want
As a solo person under lockdown, Lucy’s time is completely her own. She can do whatever the fuck she wants, whenever she wants, and there’s no one around to judge her. If she wants to sleep in till midday and spend the rest of the day trolling anti-vaxxers on Twitter, she can. If she wants to drink juice straight from the carton and watch reruns of Grey’s Anatomy till 3 am, she can. If she wants to colour-code her bookshelves or do yoga in the living room in just a vest and knickers, or scroll TikTok all afternoon, she can. Guilt-free.
And without a boyfriend, she doesn’t need to put up with anyone else’s shit. She doesn’t have to pretend to like Star Wars for the fifteenth time or turn off Friends so her other half can sit in his pants playing X-box. There’s no annoying boy occupying the shower when she wants it or stinking out the loo for an hour while he reads his book. There’s no one complaining they’re cold and turning up the thermostat when the flat is already hotter than the fucking sun, no one leaving wet towels on the floor, no one ‘experimenting’ with making home brew in the bathtub. Her space is entirely hers, and it’s fucking lovely.
4/ No arguments
All couples argue, but with people forced into unusually close proximity, all day, every day, it’s no surprise that tempers are fraying more than usual. Four weeks in and the internet is already overflowing with wives complaining about their husbands, husbands being driven mad by their wives, people trapped in loveless relationships crying out for freedom, couples who’ve already broken up still forced to share the same space with the person they now despise. Looks like lockdown will also be great for singles because once it’s over, there’s going to be a lot of fresh new talent on the market…
Meanwhile, over in Lucy’s single haven it’s so peaceful she can hear nothing but the birds singing in the newly-clean air, and the occasional heartwarming screaming row from the couple next door.
5/ You’re saving shitloads of cash
Studies have shown that it’s much more expensive to be single than to be in a couple. Quite apart from the fact that as a singleton Lucy doesn’t have anyone to split the bills with, the hunt for a husband is a costly business. All that pressure to look good, added to the cost of buying drinks and dinner (because Lucy is a modern independent woman with an actual job and therefore would never expect the man to pay), make dating a weighty burden on Lucy’s bank balance.
But now it’s off the table, she’s saving a fucking fortune. She hasn’t bought a drink, a meal out or a new item of clothing or makeup in weeks, and is already thinking of all the things she can buy with the extra cash. One of which, of course, will need to be personal trainer to undo some of the lockdown damage, but Lucy’s not going to worry about that right now.
6/ The dating pool just got a lot deeper
Most of the time, dating apps are pretty much exclusively populated by a depressing mix of horny fucktards desperate to show their genitals to unsuspecting swipers, socially-inept no-hopers incapable of even making eye contact, and charming single-for-lifers with major attachment issues. They may say there are ‘plenty more fish in the sea’, but in Lucy’s experience the ‘sea’ is more like a swampy pond, and the fish in it are mostly those horror-movie monsters that oceanic researchers find by accident with their high-tech submersibles.
But like an algae bloom in warm weather, lockdown has brought a flood of fresh aquatic life to the pool. All those guys who thought a girlfriend would cramp their bachelor lifestyle, all those independent women who didn’t have time for dating, suddenly they’ve realised that dying alone surrounded by cats is a much more imminent prospect than previously thought. Trapped and bored at home, they’re finally dipping their toes in the water and joining the apps where, if she swipes for long enough, Lucy might be able to find them.
Sure, most of them will still be bottom-feeders, but if you’re inclined to give it a go, you might just be able to snag yourself a mermaid.
7/ Dating has become much more efficient
Let’s say Lucy manages to find one of these mythical ‘normal’ men, and they set up a date. In the Before Times they would have to negotiate where to meet, and Lucy would probably end up having to schlep all the way to his part of town because he’s too lazy-arsed to offer somewhere more convenient to her and she’s too grateful that he actually came up with a suggestion to argue. Then she’d have to wash her hair, put on a dress and high heels even though she hates them, and totter to meet him, whereupon he would either cancel with five minutes notice or turn up and be boring AF and Lucy would have to choose between slashing her wrists with broken glass right there at the table or coming up with some embarrassingly transparent lie about having an early meeting and running away after just one drink.
Virtual dating in the Now Times solves all that. If you dress up for a FaceTime date you look like a try-hard – everyone expects you to be in your pyjamas. The tiny cameras on phones are so crap Lucy can get away with just a dash of mascara and nice window light and he’ll never know the difference. If the guy cancels at the last minute she can simply put the telly back on. And best of all, if he turns out to be a toxic cunt Lucy can just hang up and block him. No polite second drink or embarrassing escape technique needed. It’s such a clean and efficient way of screening prospective future boyfriends Lucy really hopes it’s one of those things that will stick around in the After Times too.
8/ You can judge people from the comfort of your own home
If you’ve been single for a while, you get judged all the fucking time. Why are you single? Surely an attractive woman like you should have been snapped up a long time ago? What’s wrong with you? You’re too picky! You’re too needy! You’re too jaded! You need to learn to love yourself or no one will ever love you yada yada blah blah punchintheface.
Lockdown provides a wonderful antidote to all that. Lucy’s basking in the fact that since she’s no longer dating the judgment has faded away. Meanwhile over on the internet the cunts have never been busier, and Lucy’s having a marvellous time judging them all. Second-home owners gallivanting off to Cornwall. Mount Snowdon hikers. That guy who tried to return £10k worth of hand sanitiser to Costco. Boris ‘He is risen’ Johnson. Donald ‘WTAF?’ Trump. Curling up on the sofa eating mini eggs and looking at how fucked-up other people are is truly one of single life’s greatest pleasures, and lockdown is the gift that keeps on giving.
9/ There’s zero FOMO
Lucy’s mum once told her: ‘You should always accept every invitation if you can; you never know who you might meet’, and for the last 20 years that’s a motto Lucy has lived by. And let me tell you, it’s exhausting. Every house party in the arse end of the far side of London, every depressing dating event, every rainy festival full of stoners and drunk twats and not enough portaloos, Lucy has dragged herself there, just in case there might be a hot guy. Or a moderately attractive guy. Or someone who knows one.
Of course there never fucking is, but that minute possibility that next time might be THE time forces her to keep going. You have to keep taking chances, you have to put yourself out there. It’s fucking horrific.
But now? There are no parties. No events. No festivals. Gone are the pressure, the hope, the expectation, the What If? Lucy can bolt the door and quietly stay home, free from the fear that she might be missing out on her once chance to find love. The search may have to resume again one day, but for now it’s on pause, and the peace is fucking heavenly.
10/ The single life is fully validated
If you’re single, chances are there have been times when you’ve looked at people in couples and felt envious. But oh, how the tables have turned. Now the couples are envious of the singles, with their peace and their freedom. Think you want a partner? Look at all the stories of people desperate to get away from theirs. Dreaming of having kids one day? Spare a thought for all those parents who are trying to work from home while their feral spawn beat the shit out each other and trash the house. Yes, sometimes Lucy gets a bit lonely, and she’d fucking love the chance to go down the pub and get pissed with her mates, but it’s actually pretty pleasant in her solo little bubble, and the more Lucy sees these tales of woe the happier she feels about how her life has turned out. The smug marrieds may have had their moment in the sun, but now it’s time for the singles and child-frees to shine. Enjoy it!
What do you think? Did I miss anything? Comment below!